et·som·ni·a (/etˈsämnēə/), noun, 1. a sleep disorder caused by obsessive Etsy browsing. 2. the surprising arrival of weird handmade merchandise ordered in one’s sleep.

Okay, I might have doctored this a little. However, the sideways kidney was already there.

“No spring nor summer beauty hath such grace as I have seen in one autumnal face.” ― John Donne, who should prepare to be disappointed

New York suddenly feels like autumn, and I was in no way done with summer, damnit. So it’s with a heavy heart (and a strong dislike for all things green and orange and mustard) that I bring you this seasonal episode of Etsomnia™, Fail is in the Air.

Below are the triumphs and tragedies I located on my beloved Etsy in the wee hours. As usual, links to the items for sale appear below each picture. For more Etsy fun, check out all my weekly Etsomnia™ posts.

Let’s start out with something pretty. Delish oak leaf headband by MyLavaliere

Then there’s this awful thing. Is it a scarf made of garbage? With spikes?

Corn? I don’t remember buying ugly stuffed candy corn.

I wanted you to see this from all sides. By a seller who has unforgivably bad taste AND doesn’t know how arms work.

I really thought the scarf with spikes was the worst thing ever, but then I saw this one with dreads.

Happily, there are hats to make me happy, like this lovely from FeltgOOOd.

You know how I dislike these colors? This isn’t helping. $40 “Autumn Joy” apron. Etsy, where discerning frumpy grandmas from the 1930s shop.

At least the men are faring better. Super-stylish hemp shoes by ShopUNC.

This is a dangerous time of year to go around dressed as a turkey.

This skirt is screaming out for an intervention.

I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to put neckties on babies. At least it’s festive.

And in case your fall clothes aren’t hideous enough, you can ug them right up with these handmade buttons.

I have to admit that this doll is actually quite cute, but I still think having dolls around that nobody plays with is stupid. By PetalBelles

And then there’s this nightmare-inducing duo.

It’s not all bad. At least there are cashmere coats to look forward to! By StCustomStudio

I’m pretty sure I’m going to see at least one of these walking around in Park Slope this Fall.