Etsomnia™ Volume XXVI: Individual Results May Vary

January 22, 2015 by Donna from MyOBT 28 Comments

Oh, no! You're all dressed for your wedding but you just realized your bladder is full? What to do? Have no fear. WeddingWeeWee to the rescue!

Oh, no! You’re all dressed for your wedding but you just realized your bladder is full! What to do? Have no fear. Etsy to the rescue!

Et·som·ni·a (/etˈsämnēə/), noun, 1. a sleep disorder caused by obsessive Etsy browsing. 2. the surprising arrival of weird handmade merchandise ordered when one is only half conscious. (True story.)

Has this ever happened to you?

Some of the items found on Etsy are so off the wall, so bizarre, so WTF that they deserve their own cheesy late-night commercial. Since I don’t have that kind of time, I’m instead going to devote this week’s Etsomnia to them.

For more Etsy fun, check out all my weekly Etsomnia™ posts.

Love your dog but hate looking at his anus? Well, RearGear has the solution for you! Doggie Butt Plug

Love your dog but hate looking at his anus? Just plug it!

Worried that you’re too sexy? Need to get through your workout without being hit on? Is Lena Dunham your spirit animal? Have we got the onesie for you!

Young ones still wetting the bed? Adult incontinence problems? Not anymore! Try Dry Bed Essence by SnowflakeEssence, containing purified Water, Brandy, Crystals, Special Methods, and LOTS of love

Young ones still wetting the bed? Adult incontinence problems? Really, really funny friends making you leak a little? Not anymore! Try Dry Bed Essence containing the very scientific ingredients “Brandy, Crystals, Special Methods, and LOTS of love.”

Does your nose get cold in the winter? Are you tired of wiping your nose in cold weather? Well, JansCrochetBoutique has just the thing! By Nosey Cosey.

Does your proboscis freeze in the winter? Are you tired of constantly wiping your nose during the cold months? Want people to keep away from you on the subway? The Nosey Cosey is just the thing!

Bored? Nothing on the TV? Does your cat need to be taken down a notch? Why not get him a few of these knitted penis catnip toys and let the hilarity begin!

Don't you hate it when you're sitting around watching the game and then your team does something stupid? Your guns are all locked away, but YOU NEED TO SHOOT SOMETHING RIGHT NOW. Have no fear! The not at all paranoid people at HiddenDrawers have just the thing! End table with not one but two secret gun drawers!

Is watching the news making you angry? Did your team lose the big game? Are those pesky kids on your lawn again? Are your guns locked away, but YOU NEED TO SHOOT SOMETHING RIGHT NOW? Have no fear! The not-at-all-paranoid people at HiddenDrawers have just the thing; an end table with not one but two secret gun drawers!

Hot date but no one has a condom? Don't know how to use your diaphragm? Why struggle with messy creams and awkward latex and tiny pills? All you need are these Birth Control glasses by Ronco! Sold by Evocative1 and guaranteed to prevent sexual situations. Unless you live in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, in which case you're f***ed. Literally.

Lots of hot dates, but you never seem to have a condom? Can’t figure out how to use your diaphragm? Why struggle with messy creams and awkward latex and tiny pills? All you need are these Birth Control glasses by Ronco, guaranteed* to prevent sexual situations.
*Unless you live in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, in which case you’re f***ed. Literally.

Do pesky aliens keep abducting you? Is the government regularly monitoring and directing your thoughts? No longer! Now you can shield you brainwaves in style (a direct quote). Custom-made tinfoil hat by SpindleCatStudio.

Do pesky aliens keep abducting you? Is the government monitoring and directing your thoughts? No longer! Now you can shield you brainwaves in style (a direct quote) with this custom-crocheted tinfoil hat.

Thinning hair? Unfortunate haircut? Bad case of bed head? Your worries are over! Don this Elvis hair hat complete with sideburns, and no one will be the wiser!

Worried about your thunder thighs? Looking for a garment that's sure to flatter? Try these harem pants by OnniPalermo!

Worried about your thunder thighs? Concerned about visible panty lines? Looking for something to wear during your next shoplifting spree? Then these harem pants are just the thing for you! Plus, if you order in the next 5 minutes, we’ll throw in matching dirty shoes and torn socks!

Is your dishwashing liquid feeling exposed? Is your Joy chilly? Does your Palmolive need decorating? Why not try a festive dishwashing liquid dress by TheCarousel?

Is your Palmolive feeling exposed? Is your Joy chilly? Does your Dawn need decorating? Why not try a festive dishwashing liquid dress?

Having trouble paying your bills? Need cash now? For a mere $7,050, MoonChants will send you a magic spell to attract money! What have you got to lose? (Other than $7,050)

Having trouble paying your bills? Need cash now? For a mere $7,050, this seller will send you a magic spell to attract money! What have you got to lose?
(Other than $7,050, that is. You’re definitely going to lose that.)

Have something nasty to say, but hate confrontation? Need to break it off, but don’t want to be a bummer? Then these adorable Jerk Balloons by FairGoods could be just the thing!