Etsomnia™ Volume XXX: Sexy Time

February 19, 2015 by Donna from MyOBT 59 Comments

Sexy psychedelic romper. The model is sitting like she's trying to sneak one out. Sold by NeonThreadsDesigns

It’s hard to think of this psychedelic romper as sexy when the model is sitting like she’s trying to sneak one out. It’s also hard to think of it as sexy because it’s stupid and makes her look like a giant toddler.

Et·som·ni·a (/etˈsämnēə/), noun, 1. a sleep disorder caused by obsessive Etsy browsing. 2. the surprising arrival of weird handmade merchandise ordered when one is only half conscious. (True story.)

Warning: NSFWOCOMR*

*Not Safe For Work or Children or My Relatives

This week’s Etsomnia post is about Etsy’s sexy side. We’ve all seen the word ‘sexy’ applied to things that don’t really do it for us. But of course, Etsy’s sellers take it a step further. Oh, who am I kidding. They took it miles and miles further. Bow-chicka bow what?

Some really bizarre things came up when I searched for ‘sexy.’ Things so dirty, I didn’t dare link to them. Items so pervy, I feel like they stole a piece of my childhood. Objects so very wrong, I would never share them for fear that angry villagers bearing torches would turn up at my house. Happily, in among the ho-hum and the I-can’t-unsee-that stuff was a whole slew of hilariously weird items which I’ve included below.

As usual, links to the items for sale appear below each picture. For more Etsy fun, check out all my weekly Etsomnia™ posts.

This contraption by RiddleDress is intended to be a sexy, comfortable (I am not making this up) undergarment for men. "Surprise your spouse." Indeed.

This contraption is intended to be a sexy, comfortable (I am not making this up) undergarment for men. “Surprise your spouse.” Indeed. From a store that has all kinds of, um, let’s call them novelty items

This one is called “Male Erotic Thong G-String Duck.” I am assuming ‘duck’ is a typo

On the other side of the spectrum, this "Sexy English Style French Maid" (huh?) costume might have missed the sexy mark, but at least you're getting plenty of fabric for your money! By LaceyMaids

On the other side of the spectrum, this “Sexy English Style French Maid” costume might have missed the sexy mark, but at least you’re getting plenty of fabric for your money!

The women aren’t faring much better. For example, here are some “Crotchless Panties” that, like all cheap jewelry, will turn you green. In your special place. That should be fun to explain.

I would call this ‘novelty’ before ‘sexy,’ but at least it’s kind of clever.

And to make sure your “sexy” lingerie doesn’t get wrinkled, there’s this very useful item which, according to the packaging, “looks real.”

Is this meant as a form of birth control? By JohnstonAmerica

Not sure what’s supposed to be sexy about this. Maybe it’s meant as a form of birth control?

Apparently, sh***ing is not all bears do in the woods.

"Renamon 3.28ft long short plush fur from Digimon" Someone please tell me what's sexy about this. No, I take it back. Please don't. By FullPlateNinja

Someone please tell me what’s sexy about this 3.5′ stuffed Digimon thing. No, I take it back. Please don’t.

"EZ Sexy Crutch Covers." I did not make that up. by EZdesignsbyALZ who definitely does NOT know what that word means

“EZ Sexy Crutch Covers.” I did not make that up. by a seller who definitely does NOT know what that word means

I’m trying hard not to judge the fetish people, but this is ridiculous. Plus the Easter Bunny is ruined for me forever.

And speaking of fetishes, the 50 Shades people are out in full force.

Finally! A Sawszall metal dildo that COMES WITH AN OPTIONAL RECIPROCATING SAW. By MinalousFancies

Finally! A Sawszall metal dildo attachment that COMES WITH AN OPTIONAL RECIPROCATING SAW. By MinalousFancies

‘Sexy’ garden rake door knocker. And you know how I love knockers!

This is Carol The Adult Lady Puppet. According to the description, Carol is wearing something she bought at the puppet lingerie store. She “loves to play around before bed.” And yes, Carol has orifices. Good grief.

Sexy “Furry Critter Fanny Pack” sure to attract the opposite sex. Or the same sex. Or whatever it is you’re trying to attract. Unless you’re looking for adult partners, in which case you’re shit out of luck. By RaveNation, which actually explains everything