Et·som·ni·a (/etˈsämnēə/), noun, 1. a sleep disorder caused by obsessive Etsy browsing. 2. the surprising arrival of weird handmade merchandise ordered when one is only half conscious. (True story.)
When I was reasearching my Etsomnia art post in November 2014, I came across a fair number of nutty and bewildering photos. Those photos stayed in my head, and I think it’s time to share them. (Lucky you!) As with the art post, I’m going to include one example from each of Etsy’s categories. The categories are: Animals, Black & White, Color, Fashion, Figure, Food, Landscape & Architecture, Monochromatic, Nature, Portrait, Still Life, Vintage, and the intriguingly-titled More.
DISCLAIMER: Though I do enjoy a good joke, and Etsomnia is one of my favorite things, my intention is never to discourage artists of any kind. All wisecracks and criticism are meant for humorous effect only. Please take them as seriously as they are meant, which is not at all.
As usual, links to the items for sale appear below each picture. And don’t forget to click the other links for visual aids. For more Etsy fun, check out all my weekly Etsomnia™ posts.
Category: Animals. Fancy pants sloth is freaking me out. What do you think this seller’s nightmares look like?
Category: Disgusting Figural. Open mouth . . . Maybe this video will make it better. Nope, still gross.
Category: Food. Now here’s something I am willing to put in my mouth!
Category: Black & White. Mom always said if I have nothing nice to say, I should say nothing at all. Therefore, I will not comment on what I suspect inspired this photo.
Category: Color. That’s one way to put a bunny on a fence. The photographer must have really hated that bunny.
Category: Still Life. I always love artful decrepitude (see my header image for a prime example), and this is really exceptional!
Category: Fashion. Honey, you’ve got a little something on your face. If this is a new trend, I’m moving to the International Space Station until it’s over. Actually, the fashion category had a number of weird photos, but I’m going to save those for another day.
Category: Landscape & Architecture. Why would anyone pay $15 plus shipping for an out-of-focus photo of New York? Judging by the hordes of tourists skillfully wielding cameras, I would think half the world has their own blurry NYC pics already.
Category: Monochromatic. Who wants to hang a picture of this chick’s dirty feet on their wall? And does her mother know she’s standing on the sink? Young lady, get down from there this instant!
Category: Nature (!?). This seems highly unsanitary. Mostly for the cat.
Category: Portrait. I love this picture, but it took me a while to realize who it was reminding me of.
Category: Vintage. It kind of freaks me out to think that someday, someone may be pawing through old, crappy, out-of-focus photos featuring my finger and selling them on Etsy.
Category: More. At least now we know what “More” means.
I couldn’t sign off without including one more item from the More category. The title is “IDK About This Hot Dog #30.” Thats right. Theres a whole series of them, though this hot dog with a pearl earring is far and away my favorite.
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My OBT 
April 9, 2015 at 7:17 am
I am an artist. I am past president of a craft guild and past board member of a pretty big one . . . no disclaimer necessary, my Dear, for these extremely well-curated Thursday posts. As long as you’re funny, you’re fine and you have nothing to fear. Stay the weird, acerbic, smart, and brutally funny course. I tip my hat and thank you, always, for Etsomnia.
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April 9, 2015 at 8:37 am
That’s so nice of you to say! I just worry that one of the makers whose merch I am lampooning could come across one of my posts and stop making art. The very last thing I want is less art in the world. (Even bad art!)
What you said really means a lot to me. Thank you so much! Hugs!
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April 9, 2015 at 7:52 am
love your selections, Etsy is a fascinating place to get lost on a rainy day – some of these would give me nightmares tho!
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April 9, 2015 at 8:44 am
Thanks for the compliment! I desperately love Etsy. Most days, I’m wearing at least one piece of clothing or jewelry from Etsy, my house is chock-a-block with Etsy decor, and the site is the first place I go when I need something unique. I love the fails, too. They make it more fun.
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April 9, 2015 at 9:43 am
My goodness some of those were a little – off the wall! I thought they insect ‘glasses’ were kind of creepy!
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April 9, 2015 at 9:56 am
Only kind of creepy? You have a very high tolerance for creep!
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April 9, 2015 at 10:19 am
Ha Ha! I must have.
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April 9, 2015 at 9:51 am
I do not even know where to start… how about with the Fiona Apple “Criminal” inspired photo-shoot? Wait, that’s a HOT DOG?? I honestly thought someone was bored enough to dress up their finger… I guess putting a tiny wig on a hot-dog would be even more disturbing so, win(!??).
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April 9, 2015 at 9:58 am
I loved everything about that photo. I wanted to hate it, but it was so ludicrous and instantly recognizable, I had to give him credit. The rest of that guy’s pictures are just stupid.
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April 9, 2015 at 10:03 am
i really hope that’s a actually a hot dog.
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April 9, 2015 at 10:33 am
Oh crap. I see what you mean.
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April 9, 2015 at 3:16 pm
These are hilarious! I am now going to attempt to avoid Etsy, lest I get caught up trying to find even more…interesting…things!
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April 9, 2015 at 4:20 pm
That’s how they get you!
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April 10, 2015 at 3:40 pm
Is it a coincidence that Etsy and evil both start with “e” and have four letters? Probably. But I’m not making any definite decisions on that point until further review (“Review” consisting of going to Etsy to look at the strange taxidermy mashups).
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April 10, 2015 at 6:09 pm
And Ebay. Don’t forget Ebay. And I do love me a taxidermy mashup!
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April 10, 2015 at 10:23 pm
I am not allowed on Ebay. Far too much money leaves my hands over there.
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April 11, 2015 at 10:39 am
Beloved used to call me her E-Babe. Before Etsy, I was all over Ebay, but it turned into the land of cheap knock-offs from Asia. When I’m looking for cheap knock-offs from Asia, that’s where I go. But most of the real bargains are gone.
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April 9, 2015 at 4:53 pm
Your selections always bless my eyes.
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April 9, 2015 at 8:09 pm
You are very kind. I would have thought that today’s cursed your eyes.
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April 9, 2015 at 7:04 pm
what to say, what to say…OK. Monochromatic and Figural are from the same family tree, aren’t they? Geez….
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April 9, 2015 at 8:09 pm
Yep. There’s so much there, it’s hard to know where to begin.
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April 10, 2015 at 12:49 am
Have you read “A Dirty Job” by Christopher Moore? The badger in costume reminds me of the squirrels in that book. I’m not kidding. It’s worth a read for reasons beyond creepily dressed dead squirrels.
The bug glasses?? We’ll I’m heading to the space station with you! Yeech.
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April 10, 2015 at 6:36 am
I loved that book, but I haven’t thought about it in a long time, and I hadn’t made the connection. You’re dead on!
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April 10, 2015 at 2:33 am
Funny and a little creepy collection as you found here Donna 😉
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April 10, 2015 at 6:37 am
Thank you! That’s precisely what I was going for.
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April 10, 2015 at 7:17 am
And you did hit very well 🙂
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April 10, 2015 at 9:25 am
OH MY GOD, i am a victim of etsomnia too! this is great, i love it. the worry stone i mention in one post was an etsy purchase. usually my regretsies are antique blouses that are gorgeous but never fit my too-big-boobs. i have an etsy shop where i sell the ‘junque’ my husband collected when alive and crap i pick up on the side of the road after tag sales and just some cool old stuff i have. all to help pay crazy cat lady expenses. great post. 🙂
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April 10, 2015 at 9:40 am
Thank you! And if you read some of the past Etsomnia posts, please don’t take offense at my crazy cat lady references. Left to my own devices, I’d be one myself. Luckily, my wife is allergic.
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April 10, 2015 at 11:31 am
i like cats better than people, but i won’t take offense. one of my cats is ‘differently abled’ and has 4500 facebook fans!
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April 10, 2015 at 12:34 pm
That’s fantastic!
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April 10, 2015 at 3:05 pm
Two things… I’m with you on the space station thing. If the locusts are coming, I’m going!!! And as for that girl standing on the sink… why didn’t she wash her feet while she was up there??
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April 10, 2015 at 6:04 pm
Ha! I just did a literal spit take when I read your comment about the girl washing her feet. Very happy to meet you!
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April 17, 2015 at 2:00 pm
Oh my word! I have to share that bloody creepy sloth kid with my sisters who are both fanatical about sloths. It might just cure them of their sloth-mania.
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April 17, 2015 at 2:27 pm
Sloths just seem stoned all the time. Like a few of my relatives. Harmless, but slow and sleepy.
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