Et·som·ni·a (/etˈsämnēə/), noun, 1. a sleep disorder caused by obsessive Etsy browsing. 2. the surprising arrival of weird handmade merchandise ordered when one is only half conscious. (True story.)

I’m headed to warmer climes for a few days, and the idea of spending time by the pool with some friends is giving me the yips. For one thing, I’ve been covered up all winter, and I’m afraid my fishbelly-white legs and arms will burst into flames at the first sight of the sun. For another, last October, I started eating in preparation for winter, ursine-style, but I forgot to 1. hibernate, and 2. stop eating. Therefore, I thought this week’s Etsomnia should be about bathing suits and beach accessories. Of course, Etsy’s bathing suit offerings run the gamut from the nearly non-existent (NSFW) (also, I’m sorry) to the gratuitously volumnious.

As usual, links to the items for sale appear below each picture. For more Etsy fun, check out all my weekly Etsomnia™ posts.

IMPORTANT NOTE: If you don’t click on the links in the descriptions, you’re missing half the fun. Of course, I am talking about the links on random words. Whether or not you click on the sellers’ names is your business.

AFTERTHOUGHT: While I was supposed to be proofreading this post, I got distracted (shiny!) and came across this article on Buzzfeed about another blogger whose body-positive message has gone positively viral, so I’m going to try to take her as an inspiration to help bolster my courage. Look out world, here I come! (No pictures, please.)