Etsomnia™ Volume 50*: Toys R Us

July 23, 2015 by Donna from MyOBT 30 Comments

This mole mask is listed as a kid's birthday favor. What kid wants a mole-themed birthday party? By fAverittecreations

This mole mask is listed as a kid’s birthday favor. What kid wants a mole-themed birthday party? And why is it being modeled by a grown man? Creepy much?

*In honor of the 50th issue of Etsomnia™, I’ve decided to do away with the stupid Roman numerals.

Et·som·ni·a (/etˈsämnēə/), noun, 1. a sleep disorder caused by obsessive Etsy browsing. 2. the surprising arrival of weird handmade merchandise ordered when one is only half conscious. (True story.)

There have been 50 editions of Etsomnia™. It’s hard to believe. It seems like only yesterday that I put out my very first episode. I was so much nicer then. It wasn’t until episode five that I really let my snark flag fly. It’s been a great 50 weeks, and I hope we enjoy many hundreds more. (Especially since I spent a shocking amount of money on the trademark!)

I know I make a lot of fun of Etsy (and boy, do I enjoy it!), but I have to admit the site really is the best resource for gorgeous handmade stuff, and I consider their toy selection to be far superior to all other websites. That said, there are still nutballs turning out oodles of oddities, yards of yikes, acres of awfuls, and WTFs the likes of which you have never seen.

As usual, links to the items for sale appear below each picture. For more Etsy fun, check out all my weekly Etsomnia™ posts.

Does your house have cabbage rose prints on every surface? Is every small appliance covered in its own paste-colored cozy? Did you name your child Doily? Then we have just the teepee for you! By FrancieAndCo

Does your house have cabbage rose prints on every surface? Is every small appliance covered in its own pastel-colored cozy? Did you name your child Doily? Then this is the play teepee for you!

Meet Blue Belinda, a “laughing and cheering folk girl.” Maniacally-laughing folk girl in need of a periodontist might be a more accurate description.

This two-story playhouse is way nicer than more than one place I've lived. By SkywriterCreations

This two-story playhouse is way nicer than a few places I’ve lived. Way nicer. By SkywriterCreations

This very adult (and yet tragically unfashionable) “costume” was in the kids dress-up section. I assume she’s dressing up as a desperately-single wedding guest with no plus one. It should come with runny mascara and an appletini.

Do you have a fearful child in need of tougheing up? Is your little one a bed wetter? Would you like him to be? Why not get him this lemur doll by Sukhanov

Do you have a timid child in need of toughening up? Is your boy a bed wetter? Would you like him to be? Well then put this not-at-all-terrifying lemur doll in his bedroom and wait for the hilarity to ensue!

Miranda excitedly tore into the wrapping paper. She was certain it was the Angelique Angel Doll she'd been begging for. She tore off the last of the paper, and gasped, not with delight, but with horror. Worst. Birthday. Ever. By SaraDeckArt

Miranda excitedly tore into the wrapping paper. She was certain it was the Pink Angel Barbie® Doll she’d been begging for. She tore off the last of the paper, and gasped. Worst. Birthday. Ever.

Mountain stacker puzzle toy by SensoryPlay who hates children and colors

Mountain stacker puzzle toy by a seller who understands neither senses nor play

I would absolutely love to give this beautiful handmade personalized guitar to some special little someone. We'll see who turns out to be musical! By ScissorMill

I can’t wait to give this beautiful handmade personalized guitar to some special little someone. I sure hope one of the new crop turns out to be musical! By ScissorMill

Russian beaver bath toy. Not at all what I thought Russian beaver would look like.

$290 Children's activity quiet book. For that kind of money, a babysitter should pop out and cart the little screaming person out of earshot. By CreativeLittleMonkey

$290 Children’s activity quiet book. For that kind of money, a nanny should pop out and take the little darling to the park.

What this doll lacks in visual appeal, it makes up for with backstory. Here's how Pierre's story starts:

What this doll lacks in visual appeal, it makes up for in complex backstory. Here’s how Pierre’s story starts:
“Let’s face it, conducting explorations of the ocean is not only very expensive, but very dangerous and physically challenging. Pierre is forced to pirate in order to fund his under water explorations and to stay in shape.”
By MonsterMaud