This mole mask is listed as a kid’s birthday favor. What kid wants a mole-themed birthday party? And why is it being modeled by a grown man? Creepy much?
*In honor of the 50th issue of Etsomnia™, I’ve decided to do away with the stupid Roman numerals.
Et·som·ni·a (/etˈsämnēə/), noun, 1. a sleep disorder caused by obsessive Etsy browsing. 2. the surprising arrival of weird handmade merchandise ordered when one is only half conscious. (True story.)
There have been 50 editions of Etsomnia™. It’s hard to believe. It seems like only yesterday that I put out my very first episode. I was so much nicer then. It wasn’t until episode five that I really let my snark flag fly. It’s been a great 50 weeks, and I hope we enjoy many hundreds more. (Especially since I spent a shocking amount of money on the trademark!)
I know I make a lot of fun of Etsy (and boy, do I enjoy it!), but I have to admit the site really is the best resource for gorgeous handmade stuff, and I consider their toy selection to be far superior to all other websites. That said, there are still nutballs turning out oodles of oddities, yards of yikes, acres of awfuls, and WTFs the likes of which you have never seen.
As usual, links to the items for sale appear below each picture. For more Etsy fun, check out all my weekly Etsomnia™ posts.
Does your house have cabbage rose prints on every surface? Is every small appliance covered in its own pastel-colored cozy? Did you name your child Doily? Then this is the play teepee for you!
Meet Blue Belinda, a “laughing and cheering folk girl.” Maniacally-laughing folk girl in need of a periodontist might be a more accurate description.
This two-story playhouse is way nicer than a few places I’ve lived. Way nicer. By SkywriterCreations
This very adult (and yet tragically unfashionable) “costume” was in the kids dress-up section. I assume she’s dressing up as a desperately-single wedding guest with no plus one. It should come with runny mascara and an appletini.
Do you have a timid child in need of toughening up? Is your boy a bed wetter? Would you like him to be? Well then put this not-at-all-terrifying lemur doll in his bedroom and wait for the hilarity to ensue!
Miranda excitedly tore into the wrapping paper. She was certain it was the Pink Angel Barbie® Doll she’d been begging for. She tore off the last of the paper, and gasped. Worst. Birthday. Ever.
Mountain stacker puzzle toy by a seller who understands neither senses nor play
I can’t wait to give this beautiful handmade personalized guitar to some special little someone. I sure hope one of the new crop turns out to be musical! By ScissorMill
Russian beaver bath toy. Not at all what I thought Russian beaver would look like.
$290 Children’s activity quiet book. For that kind of money, a nanny should pop out and take the little darling to the park.
What this doll lacks in visual appeal, it makes up for in complex backstory. Here’s how Pierre’s story starts:
“Let’s face it, conducting explorations of the ocean is not only very expensive, but very dangerous and physically challenging. Pierre is forced to pirate in order to fund his under water explorations and to stay in shape.”
By MonsterMaud
I love how they call two rocks glued together with googly eyes “Original Rock Buddy” like there are knock-offs out there.
Happy birthday, sweetie! Here’s something that used to be a horse! But be careful of his nose. It’s rotting!
“Charming character with handmade eyes, which have a real soul.” Which he gets by eating little children, I assume.
Touch-me-there panda puzzle.
If you must make a sock cat doll, at least wash the sock.
If there’s one thing all children need, it’s a realistic NYC subway rat. I wonder if it comes with felted urine-soaked fast-food wrappers?
Very impressive Queen Elizabeth costume. By LeenGreenBean (who also makes this, so there’s maybe some issues there)
I have committed to spending part of every day looking for at least one beautiful thing, and sharing what I find with you lovelies!
July 23, 2015 at 7:13 am
Oh so much ugly! That horrid toothed doll is the stuff of nightmares and horror movies. Definitely the most creepy item I’ve seen in your series. I think that Cheshire Cat is a marvel of skill and crafting and artistry and a creation to be proud of – but I could not own it. My kids would want the rat. I’m not joking.
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July 23, 2015 at 8:57 am
I completely understand about the rat. I almost want it myself. It’s a pretty amazingly realistic creation.
While the offerings this week were super creepy, most of them were at least well executed.
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July 23, 2015 at 8:58 am
It’s kind of sad seeing so much talent squandered on such questionable concepts.
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July 23, 2015 at 9:01 am
We may think they’re questionable, but I promise you that out there somewhere is someone who will fall head-over-heels in love with each one of these awful things. It’s just not going to be me.
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July 23, 2015 at 9:10 am
Valid point. That thought might just give me the prod I need to dig deep and find the courage to start my own Etsy store.
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July 23, 2015 at 10:09 am
Go for it!
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July 23, 2015 at 10:11 am
Thanks for the encouragement. I need to rebuild my confidence a bit first though. And my productivity.
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July 23, 2015 at 9:03 am
Or, presumably, you.
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July 23, 2015 at 7:36 am
This is my first time for Etsomnia on your blog — what a hoot! Thanks for the chuckles!
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July 23, 2015 at 8:58 am
Thank you! Etsomnia day is always my favorite day of the week!
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July 23, 2015 at 9:00 am
Once again, you managed to find some truly ugly and frightening things, and I really like that you started it off with a bang. As I scrolled down the page, “Blue Belinda” greeted me first and I thought she was the creepiest doll I’d ever seen ( must be the teeth, or could it be the blue eye shadow?).
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July 23, 2015 at 9:03 am
Thank you! (I’m now laughing at myself because I’m so pleased that people are so horrified. I may not make bizarre and ugly things, but I’m an odd bird in my own right.)
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July 23, 2015 at 9:30 am
Etsomnia, hahaha, I like that. I do like to browse Etsy also but I tend to get stuck on Pinterest when I want to find something out.
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July 23, 2015 at 10:10 am
Etsy is more my speed. I like Pinterest okay, but so little of the posts there link to the original that most of it feels like Napster. Sort of stolen.
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July 23, 2015 at 10:02 am
A hoot as usual…your captions are the best!!!! – Karen
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July 23, 2015 at 10:28 am
Thank you! I really had fun this week.
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July 23, 2015 at 10:45 am
So much WTF.
1) People who dress children in anything like that blue monstrosity with heels and then pose them like May West should be investigated by child protective services for multiple reasons.
2) LeenGreenBean has some cute things but I never fail to be amazed at the prices. I haven’t picked up a crochet needle in years but I could make that eyeball. Of course I wouldn’t because I believe the world is cruel and vulgar enough as is.
3) Overall the prices for things dumbfound me. Creativelittlemonkey has another, admittedly more detailed, busy book for $1180. That’s more than the estimate to replace my clutch. She also has a line of fruit-themed headbands for children, which sell for $25 a piece. That has to be a markup of like 1000%.
This makes spending $10 to try a new mascara in hopes of finally finding the right one seem positively wise.
You have made me look forward to Thursdays. Love.
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July 23, 2015 at 10:52 am
Thank you, darling lady! I love hearing what you think of the Etsy roundup every week. Regarding the prices, I confess that after looking at the first 17 pages of whatever sub category I’m exploring, I often resort to sorting by highest priced, then by lowest priced, just to see what’s at either end of the spectrum. Most items are much more reasonable, but who wants to read about that? Hugs, hon!
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July 23, 2015 at 12:41 pm
Cheshire cat doesn’t sound very cuddly in its description, but the boy seems happy…. o, right! Because of the soul-eating thing!
Queen Eliza-baby looks a tad frightened… probably picked up bad vibes from the creator of Eyeball boy…
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July 23, 2015 at 12:58 pm
I like the story you’re telling! As scary as all those things are separately, the idea that they’re interacting with each other makes them extra creepy! (In a good way, of course.)
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July 23, 2015 at 3:21 pm
I am pretty damn sure I’m going to have nightmares tonight. You owe me a drink.
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July 23, 2015 at 3:28 pm
Sorry/not sorry. 🙂
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July 23, 2015 at 9:35 pm
Love this stuff! Can’t afford it, but love looking at it all. Gosh there are such creative people in the world, huh?!
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July 23, 2015 at 10:31 pm
Creative and nutty. And I love both! Without them, I’m nothing!
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July 25, 2015 at 1:17 am
Errrr….sock cat doll?! Eeeek! In all seriousness some of this stuff is kind of fun. Not sure I would spend money for most of it, but the panda puzzle and the two-story playhouse are pretty cool. I do love all of the captions!
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July 25, 2015 at 2:13 pm
Thank you! I had loads of fun writing them!
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July 25, 2015 at 2:44 pm
I really liked Pierre, his face reminds me of me.
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July 25, 2015 at 9:33 pm
Poor you!
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July 26, 2015 at 11:38 am
I like that playhouse bed. The rest really are the subject of nightmares!
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July 26, 2015 at 7:03 pm
The playhouse really is a knock-out!
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