Et·som·ni·a (/etˈsämnēə/), noun, 1. a sleep disorder caused by obsessive Etsy browsing. 2. the surprising arrival of weird handmade merchandise ordered when one is only half conscious. (True story.)

CAUTION: this week’s Etsomnia™ gets a little blue. If you’re not yet of consenting age, go look at this one instead.

Valentine’s Day is one of those holidays that inspires in people a wide range of emotions: love, romance, commitment, annoyance, fury, disgust, depression, loneliness, and murderous rage. It was simpler when we were children. You got an ugly card for your mother and bought a package of lame valentines that you gave out to your classmates. You ate those terrible, hard, candy hearts with messages on them without really understanding what they meant, and all was right with the world.

As an adult, however, V-Day is fraught with peril. If you’re in a relationship, you have to worry about finding (or, heaven help us, making) the perfect gift, sending the right message, finding the balance between too much and not enough. If you’re not in a relationship, you have to decide how to spend the dreaded day so that your coupled friends don’t make boo-boo faces at you or pat you consolingly while promising “there’s someone out there for you, too.” Blerg.

Beloved and I already know how lucky we are, so we usually spend Valentine’s day with our single friends, being non-Valentinesy. We go in for really good chocolates and wine, and the cards we exchange are either truly funny, screamingly inappropriate, or hilariously terrible. I dislike pink, I can’t bear hearts, and I would prefer unexpected flowers, so The Big Day isn’t such a big day in our house. Frankly, we both find the whole thing kind of gross, so we’re only too happy to keep it low key.

Not everyone subscribes to our attitude, however.

For more Etsy fun, check out all my weekly Etsomnia™ posts.