This listing is called “Hair ball by famous artist.” I think maybe they should define “famous,” and, for that matter, “artist.”
Et·som·ni·a (/etˈsämnēə/), noun, 1. a sleep disorder caused by obsessive Etsy browsing. 2. the surprising arrival of weird handmade merchandise ordered when one is only half conscious. (True story.)
I was very grateful to hit 100 Etsomnia™ posts last week, and it was a real pleasure to post all those wonderful Etsy items in honor of the anniversary. But after all that beauty and sweetness, I need to swing the pendulum in the other direction and return Etsomnia™ to the parade of weird, unsettling, unexpected items for which it is famous.* Today, we return to our WTF roots and go theme-less. As you’ve no doubt observed in previous editions of Etsomnia™, Etsy is (happily) chock-full of bizarre items which no doubt make sense to someone, just not to me. Of course, some of these sellers’ weird listings are intentionally crazy, presumably meant as a joke, or manage to be completely awesome. But I’m certain not all the wacko listings are intended to be funny. The sheer volume of inexplicable items on Etsy make me wonder whether these things would ever have been created if the site didn’t exist. Hey! There’s another dissertation topic!
*A relative term.
Well, this week, we’re inundated with ick, we’re beleaguered by the bizarre, we’re up to our eyeballs in “Why? Why? Why?” And I enjoyed every moment of it. You’re welcome!
I could see these being really effective at keeping people away, especially if you had a customer service job. I’d love to see them on a Walmart greeter or someone with the Geek Squad.
I understand each of the pieces individually, but the combination is a real head scratcher.
From Buddha’s little-known Kiss tribute band phase.
This looker is meant to be a bedside lamp. They should call it an insomnia starter kit.
Vintage cheeseburger. Okay, I like antiques, but I think they’re really dialing it in. Where’s the beef?
It’s kind of incredible that even with a penis as a nose, Jennifer Aniston still looks good!
This is a New York pimp rat. I’ve seen New York pimps. They dress better than this. So, for that matter, do the rats.
Firefighter hat for your snake. This hat is going on my Christmas list for sure. Along with a snake.
Cars invading your bike lane? This fur-covered monkey bike should cause them to give you a wide berth!
This.
Disapproving-looking taxidermied nun jackalope. Alright, sir.
If I had known that spilling tomato sauce on my shoes could be considered “shoe art” and result in a $250K pay day, I would have spent a lot less time cursing and blotting!
This is a vagina puppet named Dolly Parton. To me, it looks like neither a vagina nor Dolly Parton.
Small jar of human teeth. I’m holding out for the jumbo jar.
This head crafted of animal pelts looks to me like what would happen if someone switched out The Donald’s self tanner for Rogaine.
And speaking of heads, here are four Ken doll head rings. They’re weirdly fascinating. I’m tempted to wear them to a meeting and see what happens.
Outsourced thank you card. The description says “DO NOT THANK YOUR MOM WITH THIS. SHE PROBABLY DESERVES BETTER.” This seller was definitely raised right. She loves her mama and writes a nice thank you note!
Ugly as this thing is, it may be the only way I’ll ever achieve a thigh gap.
They claim this is the world’s longest receipt, but they clearly haven’t seen my mother-in-law’s Macy’s receipt on Black Friday.
Meet Wesley, the $19K ice dragon. The maker was inspired by James Marsters from Buffy, the Vampire Slayer. That’s not who it reminds me of.
Is your life dull and predictable? Do you long to see Guantanamo? Have you always wanted to be on the news? Why not give this fun bomb purse a try!
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My OBT 
August 4, 2016 at 7:28 am
Well, you picked some real doozies today, Donna. The fingers on a string and the raving mad bunny with teeth have totally freaked me out. I am nursing a slight hangover from too much celebrating, and then I open up my email and see those things…ewwwww! Think I’ll go back to bed.
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August 4, 2016 at 10:41 am
Sorry! (But not really.) Feel better.
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August 4, 2016 at 8:12 am
Well there’s a whole lot of crazy on Etsomnia today. While I can fault the fact that people actual spent valuable time and resources manufacturing these creations, I cannot fault their imaginations. I love Dolly Parton but I’ve never thought to turn her into a vagina. Nor have I thought a dismembered doll would make a good table lamp. And the tooth fairy bins kid teeth around here rather than using them for decoration. Clearly my imagination is far too limited.
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August 4, 2016 at 10:42 am
Never. I think your imagination is just right!
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August 4, 2016 at 9:12 am
Fun stuff as usual!! I like the Ken and Barbie rings! And I actually have some 9 kt gold-capped real teeth in my store…I figured Etsy was the perfect place to sell this oddity. 🙂
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August 4, 2016 at 10:43 am
That’s awesome! I hope your description includes the phrase “Fun to give, fun to get!”
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August 4, 2016 at 2:05 pm
This is so funny! In greek etsy means because, so I laughed when I read it! 😁
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August 6, 2016 at 9:48 pm
Wow! Hilarious! It’s just amazing what people will sell!
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August 6, 2016 at 11:24 pm
Or try to sell . . . Etsy is definitely my go-to site for joke gifts and all things weird, but also all things beautiful!
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