Etsomnia™ 107: Put on Your Big Girl Pants

September 15, 2016 by Donna from MyOBT 38 Comments

If a teardrop tattoo means that you murdered someone, I shudder to think what a teardrop on the seat of your pants would mean…

Et·som·ni·a (/etˈsämnēə/), noun, 1. a sleep disorder caused by obsessive Etsy browsing. 2. the surprising arrival of weird handmade merchandise ordered when one is only half conscious. (True story.)

Of all the fashion-related searches I’ve done, and there have been some doozies, this one turned up some of the most appalling items ever. Some were weird, some were confusing, some were janky, some were just plain fugly, but boy-oh-boy, you just won’t believe the pants out there!

(I realized belatedly that I totally forgot to include some pants that I loved, so here’s these!)

For more Etsy fun, check out all my weekly Etsomnia™ posts.

Do you think she is shaped like this underneath?

And now this theme song is stuck in my head.

Finally! Pants with a guest room!

These are called “pet-me” pants. I’m not falling for that again!

“Skirt pants.” Absolutely not.

These are $120 “resurrected pants.” Maybe they should have left them alone.

Know what happens at Oktoberfest? Beer. Know what happens when you drink beer? You need to pee. Know what happens when you have to get through 10 suede buttons first? Well, do you?

What happens at Oktoberfest? Beer. What happens when you drink beer? You have to urinate. And do you know what happens when you have to escape from 10 suede-covered buttons first? Well, do you?

Some designs would only appeal to the colorblind. These would only appeal to the actual blind.

When did shabby chic become shitty chic?

"Couture Drag Runway" pants. I know a bit about all those things, and this isn't any of them.

“Couture Drag Runway” pants. I know a bit about all those things, and I can say with some confidence this isn’t any of them.

I don't remember Project Runway doing an unconventional materials challenge in a party store.

When did Project Runway do an unconventional materials challenge in a party store?

No, thanks. I would rather not taste the rainbow.

No, I am not going to taste the rainbow. Thanks anyway.

I'm a little bummed I missed including these in last week's Derpy Etsomnia!

I’m a little bummed I missed including this poor hopeless leopard in last week’s Derp-fest!

For the record, we would have made fun of these in the eighties, too.

These are “festival pants.” And you know what I think of festivals.

I wasn't allowed to have jeans when I was a kid. My mother called them 'dungarees' in a tone of voice that implied they came with actual dung on them. I suspect this is what she had in mind.

I wasn’t allowed to have jeans when I was a kid. My mother called them ‘dungarees’ in a tone of voice that implied they came with actual dung on them. In this case, she wasn’t wrong.