Et·som·ni·a (/etˈsämnēə/), noun, 1. a sleep disorder caused by obsessive Etsy browsing. 2. The surprising arrival of weird handmade merchandise ordered when one is only half conscious. (True story.) 3. An excuse for me to be an obnoxious, snarky New Yorker once per week.

Have you seen these terrible things? Last week, this picture suddenly popped up everywhere alongside the story of how retailer Carmar Denim is selling these drafty disasters at $168 per pair. When I first spotted them, I thought I was suffering a daytime attack of Etsomnia™! Then when I checked out the retailer’s website, I realized they were sold out of the idiotic things. How is this possible?

This made me wonder what other hilariously cut up clothing could be found on my favorite shopping website. Not to be outdone, Etsy of course rose to the challenge. Thank goodness! All’s once again right with the world. There are budget knock-offs, of course, plus plenty of other cut out offerings from things that cover to things that definitely don’t. And let’s not forget that even when the cut up clothing thing is done well, we can’t all be Beyoncé.

For more Etsy fun, check out all my weekly Etsomnia™ posts!