Etsom·ni·a (/etˈsämnēə/), noun, 1. a sleep disorder caused by obsessive Etsy browsing. 2. The surprising arrival of weird handmade merchandise ordered when one is only half conscious. (True story.) 3. An excuse for me to be an obnoxious, snarky New Yorker once per week.

(Item above by Scout and Forge.)

This weekend, I become eligible for retirement! That doesn’t mean I’m actually retiring, but it’s nice to know it’s at least an option. I was looking back at my birthday post last year, and reading the comments, I came across this gem from my virtual bestie. It made me laugh hard (again).

“What a treat to have an Etsomnia post that is chock full of delightful, beautiful things without any tat or craft stash and hot glue horrors.”

-Laura, A Pict in PA

She’s not wrong, so here, once again, is a post full of all the idiotic things I’d buy myself if I was acquisitive and loaded. (I’m not loaded.) I have been saving for my retirement for quite a while, but the one thing that could derail the plan is irresponsible shopping, so I will have to resist all of the ridiculous, unnecessary, impractical, obscenely-extravagant, gratuitously-fabulous, over-the-top, silly things I definitely don’t need in today’s Etsomnia! Be warned: since my goal is to resist temptation, everything I’m listing today is way out of my budget.

For more Etsy fun (or should I say tat, craft stash, and hot glue horrors…), check out all my weekly Etsomnia™ posts!