et·som·ni·a (/etˈsämnēə/), noun, 1. a sleep disorder caused by obsessive Etsy browsing. 2. the surprising arrival of weird handmade merchandise ordered in one’s sleep.
During my search for the Etsy disasters and desirables in last week’s Fail Edition, I came across such an embarrassment of tragic neckwear, I decided they needed their own Etsomnia™ post.
It is, after all, scarf weather in New York. And though I don’t love the cold, I do love the accessories. I may own even more scarves than shoes, if you can imagine. I absolutely love the good ones. These, however, with a couple of noted exceptions, are NOT good ones.
For more Etsy fun, check out all my weekly Etsomnia™ posts!
This seller nearly single-handedly inspired this post with their weird, unwearable scarves.
Sure, this scarf makes you look like you have a carapace, but the butterflies totally soften it . . .
Here’s a tip when choosing a scarf. Avoid anything that appears to have its own breasts. To be fair, it’s not the seller’s worst work.
This is one of the many eyesores included in this seller’s Dumpster Divas line. (I did not make that up.) I think we can assume they are made of actual garbage.
I am concerned that by making fun of this mess, I am being unkind to the less fortunate, so I’ll keep my critique to myself. I do, however, quite like the jaunty “Ain’t I grand?” hand position. If you’re going to dress tragically, at least do it with conviction.
See? Felted scarves don’t need to be weird and ugly. Look at this beauty by Anna Wegg whose store holds many other wonders, too
No idea what to do with those pesky fabric scraps left over from your most recent clothes-rending episode? Tie them together and sell them on Etsy! By a seller whose store carries only this $75 item, so maybe we’re just not in on the joke
There’s so much wrong here. I am incapable of picking on out just one thing. Save yourself. Look away.
So lovely, I might need to buy myself one. By ProjectorTies
Is there a little boy you despise, but you don’t want beat him up yourself? Send him out in this neckwear, and the local bullies should take care of it for you!
I KNOW that someone out there is looking at this and thinking “Awww, cute.” You are mistaken.
Just because you accidentally set upon your favorite scarf with safety scissors, then light it on fire doesn’t mean you can’t wear it! “Primitive flowers” scarf.
After all that torture, you deserve a palate cleanser. Some lucky so-and-so went and bought it before I could, but who can blame them? By the ridiculously-talented FantasticPheasant
Sorry/not sorry. I really did mean to leave you with the lovely blue scarf above. Then this happened. Surprisingly, no one has snatched this one up yet, so it’s still available for purchase for $159.
DYING LAUGHING, you evil thing, you. This is the funniest post in the universe, I am convinced. “Is there a little boy you despise….” OMG, cackling away.
OMG I do not know what’s worse – the hideous, HUGE (scratch that – GINORMOUS), felted, dead? undead? vampire? CAT(??) or the severely startled look on that model’s face. I think she may have been drugged, kidnapped & imprisoned with the condition of her release being that she participate in this shoot and promise to put it in her ACTUAL portfolio. To get that expression on her face they probably threatened to put it on the cover of Vogue or something… Poor girl…
LUV that you recommend “herbal” cigarettes to enhance the viewing of that particular store.
PS – I almost thought that flower thingie from YarnIsland WAS cute! Thank you for setting me straight! LOL 😉
OMG: “If there’s a little boy you despise…” – yet I was drawn to it. Perhaps it’s good I read this so I don’t set my son up for problems in the future. He’s six now, but I’m sure his future self would thank you.
Lawd. Oh that was so rude but…so true. The problem is that knitting a scarf is the most tedious, mind numbing experience ever. This post was kinda great though…this stuff is the elephant in the room for the Etsy community and I’m kinda glad somebody just said it. Also…was totally terrified I might be on the list somewhere and was edge of my seat the whole time. Thanks for that (;
If you let me know your store’s name, I’ll be happy to go look. Two things to keep in mind: 1. I am in no way a professional, and 2. I only ever make fun of the truly hideous.
Thebluepiano.storenvy.com and I don’t care about pros, just real human shoppers. And honesty, which clearly isn’t gonna be a problem lol. The site itself is a mess I know but I take my work pretty seriously so just do your thang. I promise not to get all butt hurt about it too (:
To be completely honest I don’t have a clue. I’m totally winging this whole thing haha but I’m really excited that you said that! Esp about those grey ones…designed those myself top to bottom (: You made my day. Twice!
I have some suggestions for your homepage, which I’ve sent as a message on your blog. Thanks for the opportunity to look at your store. It was a real pleasure!
No thank YOU! Seriously. Since my sister moved away I haven’t been able to find an honest female opinion and it was driving me nutso. So appreciated and I’ll take any advice you feel like throwin out there. Thanks again (:
Okay, a big no on the cat…maybe as a kite, but that’s about it. Some of the others are works of art. Some of the others are…uh, NOT works of art. Fun and kind of wild…like spring in winter.
September 25, 2014 at 8:29 am
DYING LAUGHING, you evil thing, you. This is the funniest post in the universe, I am convinced. “Is there a little boy you despise….” OMG, cackling away.
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September 25, 2014 at 8:46 am
September 25, 2014 at 10:56 am
“Oh heavenly days,” as my grandmother used to say. I too am giggling at my desk.
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September 25, 2014 at 10:56 am
Excellent!
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September 25, 2014 at 11:54 am
OMG. Are these real?! That cat? What’s with the one made from scraps? And the dumpster one? Awesome round-up.
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September 25, 2014 at 11:55 am
Thank you. I had quite a bit of fun pulling it all together!
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September 25, 2014 at 12:44 pm
I don’t know where to start. Enough said.
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September 25, 2014 at 1:27 pm
OMG I do not know what’s worse – the hideous, HUGE (scratch that – GINORMOUS), felted, dead? undead? vampire? CAT(??) or the severely startled look on that model’s face. I think she may have been drugged, kidnapped & imprisoned with the condition of her release being that she participate in this shoot and promise to put it in her ACTUAL portfolio. To get that expression on her face they probably threatened to put it on the cover of Vogue or something… Poor girl…
LUV that you recommend “herbal” cigarettes to enhance the viewing of that particular store.
PS – I almost thought that flower thingie from YarnIsland WAS cute! Thank you for setting me straight! LOL 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
September 25, 2014 at 1:44 pm
I live to serve.
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September 25, 2014 at 2:16 pm
OMG: “If there’s a little boy you despise…” – yet I was drawn to it. Perhaps it’s good I read this so I don’t set my son up for problems in the future. He’s six now, but I’m sure his future self would thank you.
LikeLiked by 1 person
September 25, 2014 at 2:30 pm
That’s hilarious!
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September 25, 2014 at 4:44 pm
Just wow. But you know someone has already ordered the cat and is planning the rest of their outfit around it.
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September 25, 2014 at 4:48 pm
Good grief, what have I done?
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September 25, 2014 at 9:54 pm
Lawd. Oh that was so rude but…so true. The problem is that knitting a scarf is the most tedious, mind numbing experience ever. This post was kinda great though…this stuff is the elephant in the room for the Etsy community and I’m kinda glad somebody just said it. Also…was totally terrified I might be on the list somewhere and was edge of my seat the whole time. Thanks for that (;
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September 25, 2014 at 10:14 pm
Don’t worry. I’m sure your stuff doesn’t suck!
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September 25, 2014 at 10:32 pm
Ya know I’m kinda tempted to ask if it does…?
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September 25, 2014 at 11:45 pm
If you let me know your store’s name, I’ll be happy to go look. Two things to keep in mind: 1. I am in no way a professional, and 2. I only ever make fun of the truly hideous.
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September 25, 2014 at 11:49 pm
Thebluepiano.storenvy.com and I don’t care about pros, just real human shoppers. And honesty, which clearly isn’t gonna be a problem lol. The site itself is a mess I know but I take my work pretty seriously so just do your thang. I promise not to get all butt hurt about it too (:
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September 25, 2014 at 11:52 pm
And I promise not to hurt your butt. So there you go.
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September 26, 2014 at 12:01 am
Wow. The dolls are lovely, and I totally need the grey rose studs. I have bookmarked your store for Christmas pressies. Will definitely be back!
But you don’t need validation from me. You must already know how great it is, right?
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September 26, 2014 at 12:54 am
To be completely honest I don’t have a clue. I’m totally winging this whole thing haha but I’m really excited that you said that! Esp about those grey ones…designed those myself top to bottom (: You made my day. Twice!
LikeLiked by 1 person
September 26, 2014 at 12:17 am
Okay, so the merch is fantastic. Truly. Love it.
I have some suggestions for your homepage, which I’ve sent as a message on your blog. Thanks for the opportunity to look at your store. It was a real pleasure!
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September 26, 2014 at 12:50 am
No thank YOU! Seriously. Since my sister moved away I haven’t been able to find an honest female opinion and it was driving me nutso. So appreciated and I’ll take any advice you feel like throwin out there. Thanks again (:
LikeLiked by 1 person
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January 3, 2017 at 5:47 pm
Okay, a big no on the cat…maybe as a kite, but that’s about it. Some of the others are works of art. Some of the others are…uh, NOT works of art. Fun and kind of wild…like spring in winter.
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January 3, 2017 at 7:01 pm
Like spring in winter! I like that!
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January 3, 2017 at 8:21 pm
It looks like that with all the beautiful flowers. 🙂
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