My OBT

My daily quest for One Beautiful Thing (OBT)

Etsomnia™ Volume XXX: Sexy Time

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Sexy psychedelic romper. The model is sitting like she's trying to sneak one out. Sold by NeonThreadsDesigns

It’s hard to think of this psychedelic romper as sexy when the model is sitting like she’s trying to sneak one out. It’s also hard to think of it as sexy because it’s stupid and makes her look like a giant toddler.

Et·som·ni·a (/etˈsämnēə/), noun, 1. a sleep disorder caused by obsessive Etsy browsing. 2. the surprising arrival of weird handmade merchandise ordered when one is only half conscious. (True story.)

Warning: NSFWOCOMR*

*Not Safe For Work or Children or My Relatives

This week’s Etsomnia post is about Etsy’s sexy side. We’ve all seen the word ‘sexy’ applied to things that don’t really do it for us. But of course, Etsy’s sellers take it a step further. Oh, who am I kidding. They took it miles and miles further. Bow-chicka bow what?

Some really bizarre things came up when I searched for ‘sexy.’ Things so dirty, I didn’t dare link to them. Items so pervy, I feel like they stole a piece of my childhood. Objects so very wrong, I would never share them for fear that angry villagers bearing torches would turn up at my house. Happily, in among the ho-hum and the I-can’t-unsee-that stuff was a whole slew of hilariously weird items which I’ve included below.

As usual, links to the items for sale appear below each picture. For more Etsy fun, check out all my weekly Etsomnia™ posts.

This contraption by RiddleDress is intended to be a sexy, comfortable (I am not making this up) undergarment for men. "Surprise your spouse." Indeed.

This contraption is intended to be a sexy, comfortable (I am not making this up) undergarment for men. “Surprise your spouse.” Indeed. From a store that has all kinds of, um, let’s call them novelty items

Okay, maybe just one more from RiddleDress. This one is called "Male Erotic Thong G-String Duck." I am assuming 'duck' is a typo

This one is called “Male Erotic Thong G-String Duck.” I am assuming ‘duck’ is a typo

On the other side of the spectrum, this "Sexy English Style French Maid" (huh?) costume might have missed the sexy mark, but at least you're getting plenty of fabric for your money! By LaceyMaids

On the other side of the spectrum, this “Sexy English Style French Maid” costume might have missed the sexy mark, but at least you’re getting plenty of fabric for your money! 

The women aren’t faring much better. For example, here are some “Crotchless Panties” that, like all cheap jewelry, will turn you green. In your special place. That should be fun to explain. 

I would call this 'novelty' before 'sexy,' but at least it's kind of clever. By BigTimeTeez

I would call this ‘novelty’ before ‘sexy,’ but at least it’s kind of clever. 

And to make sure your "sexy" lingerie doesn't get wrinkled, there's this very useful item which, according to the packaging, "looks real." Sold by TheOddOwl

And to make sure your “sexy” lingerie doesn’t get wrinkled, there’s this very useful item which, according to the packaging, “looks real.” 

Is this meant as a form of birth control? By JohnstonAmerica

Not sure what’s supposed to be sexy about this. Maybe it’s meant as a form of birth control? 

Apparently, sh***ing is not all bears do in the woods. By LittleRedheadBooks

Apparently, sh***ing is not all bears do in the woods. 

"Renamon 3.28ft long short plush fur from Digimon" Someone please tell me what's sexy about this. No, I take it back. Please don't. By FullPlateNinja

Someone please tell me what’s sexy about this 3.5′ stuffed Digimon thing. No, I take it back. Please don’t. 

"EZ Sexy Crutch Covers." I did not make that up. by EZdesignsbyALZ who definitely does NOT know what that word means

“EZ Sexy Crutch Covers.” I did not make that up. by a seller who definitely does NOT know what that word means

I’m trying hard not to judge the fetish people, but this is ridiculous. Plus the Easter Bunny is ruined for me forever. 

And speaking of fetishes, the 50 Shades people are out in full force. By ACVinylDesigns

And speaking of fetishes, the 50 Shades people are out in full force. 

Finally! A Sawszall metal dildo that COMES WITH AN OPTIONAL RECIPROCATING SAW. By MinalousFancies

Finally! A Sawszall metal dildo attachment that COMES WITH AN OPTIONAL RECIPROCATING SAW. By MinalousFancies

Sexy garden rake door knocker. And you know how I love knockers! By SexyTrashVintage

‘Sexy’ garden rake door knocker. And you know how I love knockers

This is Carol The Adult Lady Puppet. According to the description, Carol is wearing something she bought at the puppet lingerie store. She "loves to play around before bed." Good grief. By FeltFabulousPuppets

This is Carol The Adult Lady Puppet. According to the description, Carol is wearing something she bought at the puppet lingerie store. She “loves to play around before bed.” And yes, Carol has orifices. Good grief. 

Sexy "Furry Critter Fanny Pack" sure to attract the opposite sex. Or the same sex. Or whatever it is you're trying to attract. Unless you're looking for adult partners, in which case you're shit out of luck. By RaveNation, which actually explains everything.

Sexy “Furry Critter Fanny Pack” sure to attract the opposite sex. Or the same sex. Or whatever it is you’re trying to attract. Unless you’re looking for adult partners, in which case you’re shit out of luck. By RaveNation, which actually explains everything

If this is how you ask, I'm guessing you already know the answer is no. By TheOffBeatBear

If this is how you ask, I’m guessing you already know the answer is no. 

Author: Donna from MyOBT

I have committed to spending part of every day looking for at least one beautiful thing, and sharing what I find with you lovelies!

59 thoughts on “Etsomnia™ Volume XXX: Sexy Time

  1. Baaah ha ha ha! Good Grief.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I thought the ‘No Shooting’ one was funny… and then I saw the Digimon one. xddddd! I remember really liking that particular season, too! lol.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I will be thinking about that bunny mask ALL day… AND, that disturbing nightmare of a lady-puppet. Yikes! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I think your line “surprise your spouse indeed” says it all. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Ha Ha! Oooh that bunny mask was a bit sick! I might have bought the English maid’s outfit to give Mr Grump a thrill, but all that scratchy, shiny material looks pretty uncomfy, plus one spark and the lot will go up in flames! (That is the only way that outfit will ever be hot)! I love the romper suit, perfect for an ABBA fancy dress party! As for the men’s ‘sexy’ underwear….doesn’t float my boat!! YUCK!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Oh how I look forward to your Etsomnia™ posts. That one should have been called the reverse Superman weiner cape. And oh gosh, the crutch covers. I just can’t. Nope. And the adult lady puppet with the faux pubes showing through the faux lingerie? It’s just… too much. These people vote for our President. Think about that.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Ok, it’s all starting to make sense now. Surprised you couldn’t find some kind of Xena/Beyoncé combo doll/puppet.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Donna, is something sexy if it makes the observer groan dispassionately? The bunny mask made me shiver and not in a good way.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Okay.. That “Duck” underwear is ridiculous and so is the red onsie for men??????????????

    Some are not sexy but creepy!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Hilarious!!! How will I resist typing “sexy” into the Etsy search box from now on? Oh wait…easily 😛 oh and the bunny head?…I always liked grommets but now I see they can save lives. Everyone should have some on hand. Serious suffocation risk there. Probably the whole point!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. “Reciprocating saw”???? That sounds beyond terrifying.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I swear my wife has this haha i cant complain though shes always buying me the coolest unique things from there.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Oh. My. Goodness. Again. I wish you could have seen my face reading this post hahahaha. That bunny mask was terrifying. And I have one word for carol the adult puppet- ggggrrrrooossss just gross!

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Carol has orifices? Nurse!!

    Liked by 1 person

  15. This is hilarious. My husband and I used to have a few similar laughs looking at the “International Male” catalogue which somehow mistakenly came to him (for gay men). It was filled with some really cool things like pirate outfits, bionic gold latex underwear. But I think that company went under after the recession.

    Liked by 1 person

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  17. Hey I was really looking forward to a real XXX posting LOL!

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Haha! Great post. At first I thought. “Who would ever buy this stuff?” But then again, have you ever seen those parades they have in San Francisco?

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Oh my. Thanks for doing the research for me. I appreciate your visit to my blog. Excuse me. I have to go shower now.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Pingback: Etsomnia™ Volume XXXV: The Gestation Boogie | My OBT

  21. LMAO – now I’m compiling a list of words to never ever type into Etsy. But, in honor of the creator of the Bunny Mask, a little Justin Timberlake … ~ I’m bringing sexy back/Them other [bunnies] don’t know how to act~

    Liked by 1 person

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