
As distressing as the big pointy bird canopy is, it’s the giant, scary bird feet that really freak me out.
“I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.” Eleanor Roosevelt
Currently, a number of my friends and relatives are looking for furniture, beds in particular. Of course, I can never resist the (obsessive) urge to try to find everyone exactly what they are looking for, so I’ve been hunting around for them. During my late-night searches, I have come across quite a few bizarre options, and not just on Etsy! I decided that like the post I wrote about chairs last year (“No, Thanks. I’ll Stand“), I had to share with you some of the more ridiculous beds I’ve encountered.

I guess if the parents have the bird bed, this nest bed wouldn’t be an illogical choice for the kid’s room.

Balls! This bed/seating system is comprised of 120 foam balls which can be configured any way you like. I know it seems goofy, but if it’s good enough for Sir Patrick Stewart, it’s good enough for me!

This doesn’t look terribly stable, but I love it anyway. Makes me want to head out to Ruffle Bar and drag back the boat in my header!

Ack. More birds. This looks like something slept upon by a Disney princess, and I do not mean that as a compliment. Unfortunately, it’s real. Can you imagine the spoiled brat that sleeps on this thing?

On my beloved Etsy, $45,000 will buy you this weird eyesore. I assume this is what hipsters with neckbeards and trust funds sleep on. (Don’t miss the possessed cat in the corner!)

A BLT (Bed, lettuce & tomato). I always thought the ‘B’ was bacon.

Sweet dreams . . .

While I would likely smash it in my sleep, accidentally slit my own throat, and wake up dead, this stained glass bed is really beautiful to look at. From a safe distance, of course.

The standing bed by Ernesto Neto. Because lying down just takes too long.

The modern bed of nails from Sweden allegedly cures everything “from schizophrenia to dandruff.” Sounds legit.

This belongs in Goth Barbie’s Dream House, though I bet this guy would love it, too.

This one makes me feel all mermaidy!

What happens when the alarm goes off or your phone rings or someone is wearing leopard slippers?

This is a rocking bed. It actually looks very comfortable, and I think it’s quite stylish, too. I couldn’t resist including the picture because the designer has a thing for models voluntarily wearing lampshades on their heads.

Google calls this the “most beautiful bed in the world.” I don’t know. I think it’s kind of fussy. And what’s with the skull over the pillows?

I’ve always been fascinated by Chinese opium beds, but I’ve not yet succeeded at convincing someone to buy one. That doesn’t stop me from trying!

Crazy cat lady bed.

Designer Kayla Kromer started with a round mattress from the seventies. The rest, she says, “Just kind of happened.”

Whatever you do, don’t touch the bird seed.

Admitting you have a Facebook problem is the first step toward recovery.
April 12, 2015 at 8:07 am
OK, I looked. what was it made of? Mahogany?
LikeLiked by 2 people
April 12, 2015 at 11:33 am
Maybe. I barely looked myself. Yeesh.
LikeLike
April 12, 2015 at 12:11 pm
LOL
LikeLiked by 1 person
April 12, 2015 at 8:28 am
You made my day! How much I was missing in life! 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
April 12, 2015 at 11:36 am
I’m glad to have helped!
LikeLiked by 1 person
April 12, 2015 at 9:38 am
If you chose the bed made exactly to your sleep shape–doesn’t that rule out having company over. Granted you don’t need the bed for the intimate parts–but maybe one of you will get tired.
LikeLiked by 1 person
April 12, 2015 at 11:38 am
Only one of you is permitted to get tired at a time. Of course the one waiting for the bed could lean against the wall surrounded by a white pool noodle. Because that looks so very restful.
LikeLiked by 1 person
April 12, 2015 at 10:44 am
Ack, that shell bed and the “trap” bed…I’d live in constant fear they would drop on me and suffocate me. A claustrophobic’s nightmare is not conducive to a good night’s sleep. I do like the idea of a round bed with pillows all over so i could rotate and sleep in any direction, but maybe not a nest…
LikeLiked by 1 person
April 12, 2015 at 11:40 am
I attempted to sleep on a round bed once. The pillows fell off the stupid thing all night, and I never knew which way the flat sheet was supposed to go. I’m not claustrophobic, but I do require a neat bed in order to sleep. I hated it!
LikeLike
April 12, 2015 at 10:45 am
Some of those beds were a little claustrophobic to say the least! I liked the BLT and burger ones, but would not want to sleep in one! Some really wacky ideas there!
LikeLiked by 1 person
April 12, 2015 at 11:44 am
It was fun searching for them, but I don’t feel any burning desire to own any of them. Except for the boat thing, that is. That I would do in a heartbeat!
LikeLike
April 12, 2015 at 11:45 am
The boat one was definitely the best! 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
April 12, 2015 at 11:47 am
That one was in my dream last night!
LikeLiked by 1 person
April 12, 2015 at 11:02 am
Wow, some of those are kinda horrifying. And expensive. An opium bed would be amazing, though…
LikeLiked by 1 person
April 12, 2015 at 11:47 am
Have you ever seen one in person? They’re really stunning. There’s usually at least one for sale at ABC Carpet in NYC if you’re ever in the area. That place is totally worth a trip even without the opium beds.
LikeLike
April 12, 2015 at 12:23 pm
I want to take a nap.
LikeLiked by 1 person
April 12, 2015 at 2:12 pm
Really? Most of these made me never want to sleep again!
LikeLike
April 12, 2015 at 2:24 pm
You’ll have to sleep with one eye open.
LikeLiked by 1 person
April 12, 2015 at 5:54 pm
Excellent post. I needed a good laugh today.
LikeLiked by 1 person
April 12, 2015 at 6:45 pm
Glad to help. Hope all is well.
LikeLiked by 1 person
April 12, 2015 at 6:43 pm
The first thing I thought of when I saw the nest bed was how much dust it would collect. Then I almost lost that thought scrolling through the rest (the clam shell and the trap made me claustrophobic just looking at them).
LikeLiked by 1 person
April 12, 2015 at 6:45 pm
There are many worse things than dust. Like dreaming every night that a giant bird is shitting on your head.
LikeLike
April 12, 2015 at 6:44 pm
Penis bed was phenomenally insane. Loved the little nest, though. Very sweet.
LikeLiked by 1 person
April 12, 2015 at 7:31 pm
Yes, the penis bed is very, um, memorable. I liked the nest, too, but it seemed better suited to napping than sleeping. Too lumpy.
LikeLike
April 13, 2015 at 12:13 pm
you’ve gotta just love the creativeness of some wonderful folks when it comes to design!
LikeLiked by 1 person
April 13, 2015 at 12:22 pm
It’s true. Without them, what would I have to talk about?
LikeLike
April 13, 2015 at 4:03 pm
this is exactly why airbnb is hit or miss.
LikeLiked by 1 person
April 13, 2015 at 5:13 pm
Indeed!
LikeLike
April 14, 2015 at 3:32 am
Wow. I went on your blog to thank you for liking “Disco Kitty Cat” and saw the beds. I will be reblogging this pm. Can you even imagine having enough money to think more than ten minutes on what kind of bed you need?
aloha,
Pam
LikeLiked by 1 person
April 14, 2015 at 7:34 am
Actually, I have enough money to think for weeks about what kind of bed I need, but I also have a tight enough budget that it will take me 100+ hours of research to find something I both love and can afford.
LikeLike
April 17, 2015 at 9:19 am
….the quote is my favorite part!!!!! Not sure about that mermaidy bed….looks more like a mermaid coffin to me! Great post!
LikeLiked by 1 person
April 17, 2015 at 9:25 am
Thank you, doll!
LikeLike
April 17, 2015 at 1:56 pm
Ha ha! What a brilliant selection of utterly bonkers beds. I don’t think I could sleep a wink in any of these creations. That standing up gigantic pillow thing is a scary invention. I can imagine employers purchasing these so that their employees can go power nap in a closet and then get straight back to work after 40 winks.
LikeLiked by 1 person
April 17, 2015 at 2:26 pm
Yike. What a mental picture.
LikeLike