Etsomnia™ Volume XLIV: Etsom-nom-nomnia

June 4, 2015 by Donna from One Beautiful Thing 25 Comments

For just $45, you can have your family members depicted as pigs, or donkeys, or whatever those other things are. By HeavenlyBakedGoods

For just $45, you can get a “Happy Birthday Ugly” cake and have your family members depicted as pigs, or donkeys, or whatever those other things are.

Et·som·ni·a (/etˈsämnēə/), noun, 1. a sleep disorder caused by obsessive Etsy browsing. 2. the surprising arrival of weird handmade merchandise ordered when one is only half conscious. (True story.)

We have spent a lot of time together exploring the depths and heights of Etsy’s merchandise, but one thing we’ve never talked about is their edibles. I have ordered some truly spectacular food items from Etsy over the last couple of years. I’ve found beautiful caramels suitable for gifting, amazing holiday-themed cake pops that amazed everyone with their adorableness, and even the edible butterflies that graced the cake at a big bash I threw last year.

Etsy’s food section is filled with inventive combinations. I’m a pretty brave eater, and I love to cook, so to me, much of it seems like an intriguing culinary adventure. However, I’m betting more than a few of Etsy’s more unusual comestibles are closer to misadventures. While there are quite a few of them I’d like to try, most of the links below . . . are not on that list.

As usual, links to the items for sale appear below each picture. For more Etsy fun, check out all my weekly Etsomnia™ posts.

Let’s start on a up note. These bacon-bourbon marshmallows are everything I love about Etsy’s edibles. Creative, beautiful, and mouth-wateringly tempting. Bastards.

I wouldn't eat regular python jerky, but peppered python jerky? I'm all over it. By OakBarrelJerky

I wouldn’t eat regular python jerky, but peppered python jerky? Now, THAT sounds appealing!

Also in the food section are a few cookbooks, like this one. Vegan slime?!? No, thank you. By the marketing geniuses at VeganSlime

Also in the food section are cookbooks, like this very appetizing one by VeganSlime?!? I get that it’s for a good cause, but no, thank you.

I'm kind of on the fence about this stuff. Smoked cherries. It's either going to be glorious or cause me to want to claw out my own tongue. By LemonBird

Smoked cherries, another bold Etsy food adventure. It’s either going to be glorious or cause me to want to claw out my own tongue. By LemonBird

Squid jerky. I'm not going to lie. If it were in front of me, I'd probably try it. But it still sounds like a terrible idea. By NewaShop

Squid jerky. I’m not going to lie. If it were in front of me, I’d probably try it. Sure, I’d probably vomit shortly thereafter, but I’d try it. I’m stupid that way.

The words “edible” and “baby” don’t belong together. Also, it’s ugly.

Well, at least it’s dressed up.

Caramallows? What, now? I want to go to there. By ~~MarryMe~~ CalabasasCandyCo

Some people make beautiful fondant decorations look so easy. Not this seller, but some people.

Dehydrated beef ears. If anything is going to push me towards vegetarianism, it's this. By RawFeedingMiami

Dehydrated beef ears. If anything is going to push me towards vegetarianism, it’s this.
Epilogue: After re-reading the description, I realized the “avid chewers” these are intended for are dogs. Somehow, that doesn’t make it better.

Infused sea salt sampler. We spend a lot of time and money exploring different salts. It's one of our favorite things to experiment with, and this set needs to be in my future! By Spice Expressions

We love exploring different kinds of sea salts, and this set needs to be in my future! By Spice Expressions

As much as I love toffee – and that’s a lot – not even a delicious toffee coating could make me eat mealworms. Blerg. By DonBugito, who offers other flavors, too! (Did I mention blerg?)