Etsomnia™ Volume 55: Back-to-School

September 3, 2015 by Donna from MyOBT 19 Comments

This is an apple jacket. A jacket for your apple. I am serious. That's what it is. By HandmaidenBC, who has a store full of these things

This is an apple sweater. Not for your Apple products. For an actual apple.

Et·som·ni·a (/etˈsämnēə/), noun, 1. a sleep disorder caused by obsessive Etsy browsing. 2. the surprising arrival of weird handmade merchandise ordered when one is only half conscious. (True story.)

I was appalled to learn this week that some of my friends’ children have already returned to school, even though Labor Day isn’t until next week. Ugh. The end of summer always gets me down. Though I’m not a teacher and don’t have small children, I never outgrew the feeling that the commencement of the school year meant the end of fun. I have vivid memories of the feeling of dread I’d get as I watched that date approach.

The only thing that could cheer me up was the annual back-to-school shopping trip Mom and I would make. I still remember the thrill of new pencils and crayons and notebooks. Everything seemed so filled with optimism. These days, however, back to school seems to include some items my mother never dreamed of, at least if you believe Etsy.

As usual, links to the items for sale appear below each picture. For more Etsy fun, check out all my weekly Etsomnia™ posts. Follow me on Bloglovin!

“Landscape” bookmark. If that looks like a landscape to her, where do you think she lives?

This pencil case listing has my favorite drop-down menu of all time.

Although apparently made of old, dingy sheets, this freaky pencil case listing has my favorite drop-down menu of all time. “How many eyes?”

Cleavage. A great way to start the school year. By DekDoi

If there’s one thing your third grader needs to start off the school year right, it’s cleavage.

Okay, fine. Painted creepy face. Kind of cool. But how do you explain the taco? By SquadronZ

Okay, fine. Painted creepy face. I can live with that. But how do you explain the taco?

I remember fifth grade. This is not going to end well.

Poop pencil sharpener, guaranteed to “make your friends jealous.” That’s probably true, actually.

And now for the traditional back-to-school knitted snake... wait. What? By LadyLorienDesigns

And here’s your basic “Back-to-School Crocheted Bookworm.” That’s definitely not a thing, thank goodness.

It's not your fault. She was probably going to get her ass kicked anyway. But by kindergartners? By MarmaladeClothing

Dear Parents, Your daughter Kale was beaten up at recess today. By kindergartners. We all cheered them on.

OMG remember these?!? So fun! Now I want one. By TinyBees

Back-to-school doll with “sweet smile.” It’s reminding me of someone.

While this is possibly the most lady-like pentagram backpack ever made, I still don’t recommend you send your daughter to Catholic school with it.

Chip and Skiffy were quite miffed that Mummy wouldn't let them take the Aston Martin for first day of school. What kind of impression is the stupid old Bentley going to make? By MimiiKids

Brick and Skiffy were quite incensed that Mumsy wouldn’t let Driver take them to school in the Maserati. They’d never be respected at boarding school once everyone saw them pulling up in a stupid old Bentley.

Itchy-looking octopus backpack by CreepyLand. Look, I get it. They ruined your figure and your social life. But there are healthier ways to get back at your children.

Itchy-looking octopus backpack. Look, moms, I get it. They ruined your figure and your social life. But there are healthier ways to get back at your children.