Etsomnia™ Volume 64: Winter is Coming

November 5, 2015 by Donna from One Beautiful Thing 28 Comments

At least you can put it down without worrying someone will steal it

Et·som·ni·a (/etˈsämnēə/), noun, 1. a sleep disorder caused by obsessive Etsy browsing. 2. the surprising arrival of weird handmade merchandise ordered when one is only half conscious. (True story.)

It is getting to be coat season. I love Spring and Summer, and I keep them going as long as I can. But as much as I try to deny the dropping temperatures (I’m still wearing flip flops to work), even I have to admit that Winter is Coming, and not in a cool Game of Thrones way, either. Here comes the ice and snow and wind and sniffles and general misery. Ugh.

On the other hand, there’s coats. I do love coats. I have a different coat for every 7-degree fluctuation in the temperature. But there’s always room for more. When you look for “coat” on Etsy, all kinds of crazy non-coat things turn up. And then there are the actual coats. Coats for every kind of weather, from full-on Arctic to it’s 90 degrees but I want to get noticed at Burning Man. Coats for when you’re happy and coats for when you’re sad and coats for when you don’t want to get out from under the covers. So here they are, in all their glory. The good, the bad, and the WTF.

If this doesn't cause cancer, it should. By NeonNancy

Color-changing LED coat. If this doesn’t cause cancer, it should

I’m a little long in the tooth for this these days, but back in my day, I would have worn the hell out of this thing! By WastedCouture

I’m a little long in the tooth (and a little wide everywhere else) for this these days, but back in my day, I would have worn the hell out of this thing! By WastedCouture

Going by the description, this coat does not appear to be intended for clowns, if you can imagine

I assume she cleaned out the bottom of her purse, then glued the junk that accumulated in the bottom to a jacket. At least one of those

I assume she cleaned out the bottom of her purse, then glued what she found to a jacket. I would be willing to bet that at least one of those “buttons” is a lint-covered Life Saver

This is weirdly awesome, plus it’s guaranteed to get you a seat on the subway. By lightupcoats

To quote my friend from Atlanta, bless her heart

Roadkill “Macklemore” coat. I don’t see Macklemore, but I will bet that it smells like R. Kelly’s sheets. (Pisssss.) Oh, and it’s NOT 99 cents

I am forever falling for coats with big, dramatic hoods that actually collect snow when you wear them in weather. I don’t care. I am the French Lieutenant’s Whore. By xiaolizi

Okay, yes, this “rock star” fringed coat is pretty gross, but on the bright side, the cats will love it!

And speaking of cats, look what one coughed up! By NatalyRykova

And speaking of cats, this looks like a lady who knows her way around a litter box!

Finally, a jacket that goes with your hairy mole! By HandPaintedGarments

Finally, a jacket that accentuates your hairy mole!

This may actually be the ugliest coat from the '80s, and that, as you know, is quite a tough title to win. By CarnivalofFASHION who specializes in awful vintage

This may actually be the all-time ugliest coat from the ’80s, and that, as you know, is really saying something

$895 “Playa” coat for when your delusions run away with your credit card

Another impractical gimick I'm always falling for is the giant sweep. A complete nightmare on the subway. Does that stop me? It does not. By Sophiaclothing

Another impractical gimmick I’m always falling for is the giant sweep. It’s a total unsanitary nightmare on the subway. Does that stop me? It does not. By Sophiaclothing

That poor cow

Etsomnia is a labor of love. I toil for endless hours looking for the most outrageous stuff, and I expose myself to a whole lot of meh and fugly just for you. But once in a while, my search turns up something so perfect, it makes it all worthwhile

I really should make all the jokes about this jacket. I mean googly eyes. Who does that? But I can't. It's weirdly adorable and I want it. By Pinkavenger

I really should make lots of jokes about this jacket. I mean googly eyes. Who does that, right? But I can’t. How much fun would it be to walk behind this thing? By Pinkavenger

I can't begin to understand how much work must have gone into this. As an art piece, it's kind of magnificent. But don't wear it. Please don't wear it. By Amberstudios

I can’t fathom how much work must have gone into this. As an art piece, it’s kind of magnificent. But don’t wear it. Put presents under it, but don’t wear it