What if you spent every day looking for One Beautiful Thing?

Burnt Toast


“Oh, Christ, Anna, he’s going to start reading poetry at us. What do we do, play dead?”
“No. That’s bears.”

A friend posted an article from The Toast on FB, and I could not stop laughing. Their blog is pure genius, and they have an even worse URL than I do! ( How exciting! The (very) bad news is that they stopped posting two years ago. Luckily, there’s still plenty of great stuff there on which we can gorge ourselves.

The site was the brainchild of besties Nicole Cliffe and Daniel Mallory Ortberg. I want to go find them and get them to write more stuff. Or at least drink with them. They’re positively brilliant! The blog included hilarious features like Dear Businesslady and advice from Aunt Acid (my new drag name, by the way), and entertainment columns like Movie Yelling With Nicole and Mallory. But as much as I enjoy their columns and articles, it’s their art captions that I am most enjoying. With titles like Western Art History Is Just 600 Years Of Women Getting Out Of Bathtubs and “We’re Fine Here, How Are You?” Normal Moments In Art History Where No One Is About To Get Murdered, these posts are just screamingly funny. I can’t wait to devour them all! They are pretty hard on men, and they get pretty sweary, but if you can tolerate those things, I seriously recommend you read them all.

You can see all of The Toast’s posts on their website. And lucky for us, the dynamic duo are now writing a weekly feature for Slate! You can also follow Daniel Mallory Ortberg on their YouTube channel.

Is he still there? I can’t look.
“Oh darling i’d love to sit and join you, but as you know i have a terrible sitting condition, as do all the women in my family. So instead i have to stand and also leave.”
Oh, shitting fuck. Cora’s already pretended to fall asleep. Now all I can use is smile and pull the “oh, you” elbow to the chest and hope i push him hard enough he gets the picture.
“Hahahahaha, oh, you, Jeremy!”
“Madam, I can assure you that the top hat is medically necessary. Now please lie still and stop asking me ‘and what does that do?’ I don’t know what it does yet.”
“Oh. You found us. You found us with your guitar. Hey guys he found us and he brought his guitar with him.”
Oh no you are dying. Guess i’d better do my hair.
“EXCUSE ME. Yeah, hi. Excuse me. Can we help you? Is there some way we can help you over there? This bed is for two people. You’re making us be three people, and we don’t want that.”
If she plays another fucking organist recital I will literally and actually die right fucking here… BWAMP BWAMP DAMNIT NO ONE CAN TALK OVER BWAMP BWAMP BWAMP AN ORGAN BLAST, THIS ISN’T AN ORGAN PARTY. IT’S A REGULAR PARTY THAT YOU ARE RUINING BY PLAYING THE ORGAN.
“I would love to go out tonight but I’m…I’m dying.” [coughs weakly into handkerchief]
“Oh, my God.”
“Yeah. It’s consumption, so…”
“I’m so sorry.”
“No, it’s fine.”
“I will stay and nurse you.”
“No, you won’t.”
“Get up. It’s weird to lie down when nobody else is lying down. Sit up.”
“I’ll sit up when I see something worth sitting up for.”
Maybe if enough of us crowd onto the piano, it will collapse, and I’ll get to go home.
“Heyy, hi guys. We thought we’d just come over to you and see what’s up. Cool boat. This is a super cool boat, what is it, like a sailboat? Like a boat for sailing in? Awesome, awesome. You know what you should come see though is the ocean. Come on we’ll show you it’s very cool, super breathable.”
Look, I cannot pretend to listen to all of you right now. So one of you is going to have to decide if they actually have something important to say, and the rest of you will just have to GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF MY NECK.
Think of all the women he’s not explaining his art project to right now.

Author: Donna from MyOBT

I have committed to spending part of every day looking for at least one beautiful thing, and sharing what I find with you lovelies!

17 thoughts on “Burnt Toast

  1. I do not find it beautiful to see an image of someone on a bed being operated on, quite the opposite in spite of the humour intended.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Strange. I found all of them to be fun. Yes, I enjoyed the them == Hal

    Liked by 1 person

  3. LOL! I’m going to steal this idea, if I can actually be funny at it.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Hello my fellow blogger…I have nominated you for the Sunshine Blogger Award, Please know it is perfectly OK if you do not feel the to participate. Sincerely Pene’pastaforthesoul.

    Liked by 1 person

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