Welcome to Cracker Barrel. May I take your order? Vintage Oscar de la Renta ensemble which I consider proof positive that Oscar dabbled in some pretty hardcore illegal substances back in the day. Sold by the surprisingly self aware FabulousMessVintage
I need a frock. Let the hilarity ensue.
et·som·ni·a (/etˈsämnēə/), noun, 1. a sleep disorder caused by obsessive Etsy browsing. 2. the surprising arrival of weird handmade merchandise ordered in one’s sleep.
I need a dress for an event in October, and so I’ve been obsessively hunting around for something that doesn’t resemble a parachute, something flattering, something with a wow factor. Therefore, I’ve been voluntarily exposing myself to both wonderful and cringe-worthy fashion. I thought I would make this episode of Etsomnia™ about my finds, terrific and tragic. Therefore, non-fashion-interested people (for example, most straight men and my wife) may be excused. See you tomorrow.
Below are the results of my rousing game of good dress/bad dress. I’m particularly entertained by what I imagine the Project Runway judges’ reactions. As usual, links to the items for sale appear below each picture. For more Etsy fun, check out all my weekly Etsomnia™ posts.
Sheer is tricky. There’s a lot of black lace dresses out there these days, and some of them are pretty good, but I’ve never seen one as stellar as this one. By NelliUzun
And here is a perfect example of bad sheer. Well, really it’s a perfect example of bad, full stop.
If you must wear orange, wear it like this beauty by MatchLife (they have many wonderful dresses you should go look at!)
On the other hand, this disaster should be taken out and shot. Repeatedly. And then stabbed for safety’s sake.
Sheer overlays also abound these days. A strong contender, here’s an absolute knockout from MJVOCouture
I wouldn’t even wear this as a costume (unless I was going as a fashion school dropout). (Couldn’t she have at least brushed her hair?)
Not a fan of yellow, I wouldn’t normally look twice at something like this, but this glorious ensemble by ChineseHut is so spectacular, if it were season-appropriate, I’d be all over it.
Little House on the Scary.
Absolutely stunning crinkled, hand-dyed dress by MoMoSoho. Quite pricey for a rayon knock-off, but it’s glorious nonetheless.
No words. Me. I ALWAYS have words, but this thing is so hilariously bad, I am rendered speechless.
If you’re going to go goth, this is the way to do it. Gorgeous boned custom-made satin gown by LadyVioletDesigns. I take off my teensy top hat to you!
However, this multiple-personality dress is just a disaster. I initially clicked on it because the front was kind of fascinating. Then this happened. The name should have tipped me off. “Gothic geisha steampunk barbie kimono dress”
Yes, yes, a thousand times yes! By MariaSeveryna
I’m hoping this was the result of an unconventional materials challenge that happened inside the crafts section of a 1970s Woolworth’s.
I need this creation in all five colors. It’s good from every angle. I’m certain black magic was employed. By DesireeSpice
You know how every fashion show ends with a bride? Well, I hate to disappoint. Just imagine this thing coming down the aisle toward you. Run away! Run away!
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My OBT 
September 1, 2014 at 9:12 am
Despite being a straight man with no interest in fashion, I hung around for the commentary…. and I must say it was worth it.
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September 1, 2014 at 10:31 am
You’re a doll!
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September 1, 2014 at 9:38 am
I agreed with your choices so far.
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September 1, 2014 at 10:32 am
Thank you!
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September 1, 2014 at 10:29 am
Brilliantly captioned! Thanks.
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September 1, 2014 at 10:32 am
Thanks!
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September 1, 2014 at 1:10 pm
Oooh! Love this OBT! I especially loved to hate the goth MPD number.
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September 1, 2014 at 1:14 pm
You go, girl!
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September 1, 2014 at 2:17 pm
I was going to list my favorites but it seemed redundant, there were several and I was in an airport and making a lot of typing mistakes. Stuck to the godawful number instead!
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September 1, 2014 at 6:00 pm
I LOVE the red one you said yes to. That is just very beautiful color and very cool style.
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September 1, 2014 at 10:01 pm
I love that one, too!
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September 25, 2014 at 1:55 pm
Hahahaha! “Little House on the Scary” had me cracking the EFF UP! So did that “BE the Flower” monstrosity. I don’t even think Lady GaGa would rock that shiz. Nuh-uh…
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