Etsomnia™ Volume XLIX: Death by Bedazzling

July 16, 2015 by Donna from One Beautiful Thing 25 Comments

Translation: OMG! Glitter!

Et·som·ni·a (/etˈsämnēə/), noun, 1. a sleep disorder caused by obsessive Etsy browsing. 2. the surprising arrival of weird handmade merchandise ordered when one is only half conscious. (True story.)

If you’ve been reading me for even a little while, you know how much I love things that sparkle. I’m basically a not-terribly-mature 12-year-old girl on the inside. And you know how much I love to throw a little bling around whenever possible. So I thought it would be fun to do a search for sequined, glittered, rhinestoned things. Of course, moderation is never Etsy’s strong suit. While I can’t deny that this was certainly an entertaining exercise, some of this stuff is so bad, I may actually be temporarily cured of my sparkle obsession.

As usual, links to the items for sale appear below each picture. For more Etsy fun, check out all my weekly Etsomnia™ posts.

Etsy has finally literally shit the bed. By GGSpinUpCouture

Okay, yes, everyone is going to laugh and point and call you a shit head, but at least you’re a sparkly shit head!

“Why is your face bleeding?” “Because I answered the phone.” The seller claims this item will “bring nicest romantic feelings into your heart.” Ironic, since I’m pretty sure a date would get one look at this and never call again.

On most of us mere mortals, this would look like something a clown coughed up, but I bet Iris Apfel would make it work! By Braxae

Most of us mere mortals would look like the mother of the bride at a clown wedding, but I bet Iris Apfel could pull it off! By Braxae

Not a morning person? No problem! This glittered canopy and headboard are sure to make you sparkle, whether you want to or not! By GlamBespokeDesigns

Not a morning person? This glittered canopy and headboard are sure to make you sparkle, whether you want to or not!

And to go with your bedazzled bed is this unfortunate glitter situation. By the optimistically-named DecoratingWithStyle

This looks like the fugly crafts we used to do in Brownies as “gifts” for our parents. We’re sorry, parents. By DecoratingWithStyle, if you can imagine

Nothing inspires confidence like one's doctor whipping out their Rx pad in a sassy, sparkly cover! By StyleRx who may have had their license revoked

Nothing inspires confidence like one’s doctor whipping out their Rx pad in a sassy, sparkly cover! By StyleRx who may have had their medical license revoked

As bad as this is, and make no mistake, it's bad, I mostly posted it because I was so irritated by the fact that the maker thinks it's spelled

As dopey as this is, I mostly posted it because I was so irritated by the fact that the maker thinks the word is spelled “tumblr,” and I didn’t want to suffer alone.

Would you like to get pulls in every scarf you own AT THE SAME TIME??? Well, have we got the hanger for you! By MaineHarbour

Do you hate silk? Are you dying to ruin all your scarves, but just too busy to shred them yourself? Well, have we got the hanger for you! Now, you can get pulls in all your scarves AT THE SAME TIME!!!

If you must have glittered sneakers, at least make it these super-cool Dark Side of the Moon Vans. By ErotoMania, who actually has a pretty amazing shop

If you must have glittered sneakers, at least make it these super-cool Pink Floyd Dark Side of the Moon Vans. By ErotoMania. BTW, they also come as platforms

This was so epic, I couldn’t resist including it. OMG/WTF Marilyn Monroe jacket by Braxae, whose store was so full of sequined awesomeness, my brain nearly exploded

Q: Where don't you want stray glitter? A: Anywhere this product is going. By JMayaCouture who has had a mysteriously persistent UTI since she opened the shop

Q: Where don’t you want stray glitter?
A: Anywhere this product is going.
This seller has had a mysteriously persistent UTI ever since she invented this product

Tired of the same drab old birds in your yard? Well how about buying them this snazzy house so they can be sparkly instead? The glitter could blind them or even kill them, but at least they'll be extra pretty! By LaylaLousEtsyShop

Tired of the same drab birds in your yard? Why not get them to this snazzy little manse so they can sparkle? Sure, the glitter could blind them or even kill them, but look! Shiny!

It's Our Lady of Sparkles! By LaCornejaNegra

It’s Our Lady of Glitter! I don’t remember learning about her in Catholic school.

And we didn't invent the idea of bedazzling items that needed no decoration either. Here's a mid-century sparkly hairspray cover. Sold by ThirstyOwlVintage

Bedazzling items that need no decoration is not a new idea. Here’s an inexplicably sparkly mid-century hairspray cover.

What’s more sparkly than a jar of glitter? This is listed as a “calming meditation jar.” I’d like to hear the science behind that theory.

Look! It's a rock painted to vaguely resemble diseased (but fancy) lady parts! By GlitterBombArt

I can only assume this is meant to be a painting of a lady unicorn’s crotchal area! Fun to give; fun to get!

Are you too successful at work? Uncomfortable making nearly as much as your male counterparts? Is Elle Woods your professional inspiration? Then this is the desk set for you! Plus, if you order now, you’ll get a free Hello Kitty business card holder!