I rashly assumed that Etsy’s characteristic derp quotient wouldn’t extend itself to furniture. Boy, was I wrong.
Et·som·ni·a (/etˈsämnēə/), noun, 1. a sleep disorder caused by obsessive Etsy browsing. 2. the surprising arrival of weird handmade merchandise ordered when one is only half conscious. (True story.)
My friends will tell you that my post-hurricane search for the perfect furniture was so involved and complex and time-consuming, it deserved its own epic poem. For once in my life (because don’t expect this to happen again, damnit), I had the opportunity to find the perfect everything, and I took the search very seriously. In fact, every time I found THE THING, my initial elation was inevitably followed by a little disappointment that that part of the search was over. Eventually, my epic search was done, and Beloved and I both love the results. I’m ridiculously house proud, and I continue to be in love with all our furniture choices.
During my exhaustive search, I found many fan-friggin-tastic tables, some which I am today going to share with you, alongside Etsy’s more tragic table offerings. This week, I’m including a lot of gorgeous stuff here (with only moderate snark)!
As usual, links to the items for sale appear below each picture. For more Etsy fun, check out all my weekly Etsomnia™ posts.
As terrible as the whole table is, I thought you needed to see the closeup. This is one of four “jester” legs. Why is the jester’s head growing out of his belly?
I am a fiend for anything Batman, so you know this decoupaged end table floated my boat! By smithersofstamford
This deadly-looking table is made from reclaimed Boeing 727 parts! Sure, it should certainly come with a warning, but it sure is beautiful! By AeroArtShop
Not terribly useful as a table but quite striking nonetheless. By MarvellousMirrors
“Stellar Steampunk Teleportation” telephone table. Steampunk? Are you sure?
Do I love music? Absolutely. Do I need junk in my house covered in musical notes? No, because I’m not 12, and the eighties are over.
While it’s not my favorite color, this would be amazing in the right room (and I love the big bee). By FilthyRichDesigns
And the winner in the biggest waste of floor space category is…
This is the coolest door-as-table ever. Love the patina! By trashstudio
In honor of the Year of the Monkey, here’s a table base that no one should buy, this year or any year.
This would be good in a gastroenterologist’s waiting room. And nowhere else.
Silly? Sure. But it’s also fierce! By FingerLakesFinds
“So, please tell the readers what inspired you to create this table.” [Designer points to nearest female crotch]
This is an entry table. If it’s the first thing I see when I walk in, I’m turning around and walking right back out.
Designers like NickJonesDesigns are why I keep coming back to Etsy. Absolutely incredible architectural-looking hall table.
It is so frustrating when poor design is excused because it’s for kids. Children need to be surrounded by good taste. Otherwise, will grow up to be Etsy sellers.
Mommy, where’s Grandpa?
They’re calling this a tractor coffee table, but I’d love to use it as a dining or bar table. Either way, it’s stunning! By smithersofstamford
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My OBT 
February 11, 2016 at 7:32 am
amazing art. I actually liked the entry table, looks like something Terrence McKenna would eat XD
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February 11, 2016 at 9:02 am
That’s very funny!
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February 11, 2016 at 8:03 am
“Children need to be surrounded by good taste. Otherwise, will grow up to be Etsy sellers” This might just be the best art-related parenting advice I have ever read. Brava! I am laugh-crying.
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February 11, 2016 at 9:02 am
Thank you! I was afraid it was too harsh, but you know what I mean.
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February 11, 2016 at 9:58 am
Lots of lovely things this week (which means the next entry is bound to be full of horror, right?). My sons would very much want that Batman table. I think my favourite is that really architectural piece closely followed by the door table with that wonderful sheen patina.
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February 11, 2016 at 10:05 am
There were so many beautiful things, I really had to force myself to stop!
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February 12, 2016 at 5:34 am
I cracked up when you called the dog table the derp table. Our older Italian Greyhound is losing his teeth and his tongue sticks out like that and we call him the derp dog!
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February 12, 2016 at 8:44 am
You could get good money for his portraits in Etsy!
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