“Jane Austen Eco Chic.” Because wearing actual feces to the festival is frowned upon.
Et·som·ni·a (/etˈsämnēə/), noun, 1. a sleep disorder caused by obsessive Etsy browsing. 2. the surprising arrival of weird handmade merchandise ordered when one is only half conscious. (True story.)
Coachella starts up tomorrow, kicking off festival season. And though Etsy is certainly always rife with goofy goods, crazy coats, trippy pants, and deranged dresses, this time of year it’s extra lousy with festival wear. Sure, some people complain that festivals are an excuse for racial insensitivity, bad decisions, worse dancing, terrible fashion, and the senseless killing off of much-needed brain cells. Of course, they’re absolutely correct. You didn’t think I was going to disagree, did you? Don’t be daft!
Poor personal choices aside, there really was some spectacular, inspired design out there, too. When festival wear is good, it’s very, very good, but when it’s bad, it’s better!
As usual, links to the items for sale appear below each picture. For more Etsy fun, check out all my weekly Etsomnia™ posts.
This is one of the tragic side effects of too much kale.
Amazing zip-tie mohawk headdress. Hey, honey? We have to go to Home Depot RIGHT NOW!!! By WhoCaresWhyNot
She looks like the mightiest tree in the forest! Has anyone got a herring?
Another sad example of no gay best friend. Or gay friend of any kind.
I honestly never thought I would find macrame beautiful, but look at this necklace! By MahakashiCreations
Perfect if you’re attending Clownchella.
These are called “Unisex Boots.” I think they mean “Un-sex boots.”
Sir, that mask doesn’t conceal the fact that you’re too old to try picking up drunk young girls at Coachella.
You know what would go great with this? SPF 100, because you know only the whitest white girl would wear it.
I am tempted to buy this and wear it to a festival just to make sure it gets covered in mud. As it should be.
Looks like somebody started taking her festival drugs a little early.
I like it, but if you’re going to hide your stash in your bracelet, you might want to choose a design that doesn’t scream “CHECK ME!” By Nomadicspirits
This armband pocket thingie is both adorable and useless. I’m irrationally mad at it.
Looks like somebody’s not getting enough attention at home.
I don’t want to know what combination of substances would lead to these awful things.
Okay, he’s not bad looking, but could somebody please change his diaper?
You think this thing looks bad now? Wait until it rains. And it always rains.
Rainbow pom pom panda ears. I don’t understand what they mean, but she does look awfully cute. Maybe a little dim, but cute.
I couldn’t choose between the front and the back view, so I had to share both! So special.
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My OBT 
April 14, 2016 at 1:14 pm
I cannot attend festivals because I cannot deal with crowds and my anxiety gets out of control when I am in close physical proximity to random strangers. Looking at these items, I now have another reason to avoid festivals.
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April 14, 2016 at 1:49 pm
There are so very many reasons not to attend festivals, you shouldn’t worry that you’re missing anything. I just couldn’t resist making them an Etsomnia topic since so much of the truly wacky clothing I come across on Etsy is called “festival” attire. Yuck.
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April 14, 2016 at 1:52 pm
Or you could do what my husband’s cousin does and just attend festivals pretty much butt nekkid.
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April 14, 2016 at 2:03 pm
blerg.
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April 14, 2016 at 2:12 pm
Sadly I have seen the photos. Does Etsy sell industrial strength soap for eyeballs?
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April 14, 2016 at 2:19 pm
They sell eyeball-shaped soap. Does that count?
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April 14, 2016 at 4:26 pm
Yes, Donna, I like the necklace, too. It’s good you found One Beautiful Thing to include.
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April 14, 2016 at 4:32 pm
I sure did! I love that thing!
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April 25, 2016 at 1:00 pm
True. It ALWAYS rains.
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April 25, 2016 at 1:10 pm
And wet crochet is not a good band name.
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