Jack White may be thinking of you, but those don’t look to me like happy thoughts.
Et·som·ni·a (/etˈsämnēə/), noun, 1. a sleep disorder caused by obsessive Etsy browsing. 2. The surprising arrival of weird handmade merchandise ordered when one is only half conscious. (True story.) 3. An excuse for me to be an obnoxious, snarky New Yorker once per week.
Although I am blessed with my wonderful Beloved, I am still mostly annoyed by Valentine’s Day. It’s not that I don’t appreciate romance, and I also think there’s something to be said about loving the one you’re with. It’s just that the holiday always feels fake and forced and desperate and creepy and weird and unsexy. Therefore, I am thoroughly entertained by terrible V-Day gifts. (I am actually legitimately sorry about that last one, but I couldn’t unsee it, and it’s no fun to suffer alone.)
For more Etsy fun, check out all my weekly Etsomnia™ posts!
What a lovely idea! I have always been fascinated with mounted butterflies (they don’t live that long anyway), and this pair is the perfect Valentine’s Day gift without going too far into cutesy. By BugUnderGlass
If you have to put your name on it, it’s probably not going to work out. Just sayin’.
Love clogs, for the anti-fashionista in your life.
No idea what to get your date for Valentine’s day? How about a 4-foot pair of lips with a 6-inch mole?
Anyone else suddenly reminded of pork tenderloin? Anyone?
If your gift budget is $2,275 (mine is not), you won’t do better than this diamond & sapphire ring by RavenFineJewelers.
That’s not the shape of my heart.
Look! It’s the outhouse of love!
What’s worse than one stuffed Valentine mouse? Well, two, obviously. Try and keep up, won’t you?
Outrageous to be sure, but still pretty fab! By BoringSidney
This magical spray is meant to attract Mr. Right Now. You can get the same effect from a short skirt and a little bourbon behind your ears.
Those are naked mole rats in love. Get your mind out of the gutter.
Now, THAT’s a V-Day gift I can get behind! By WhiteFauxTaxidermy
Need a wingman (see what I did there?) on your big Valentine’s date? I hear Kenneth is available!
Here’s a tip. Want to have S-E-X?, don’t give S-O-X.
Charming.
A silk robe is always, and I do mean ALWAYS, the perfect gift. By FiorStudio.
I want to make jokes about these beef jerky roses, but I kind of love them, even though their price ($999!) and staging (meat cleaver?) are sending mixed messages, romantically speaking. By SayItWithBeef.
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My OBT 
February 9, 2017 at 9:35 am
Okay, so, I **need** the Jack White box. I MUST have it. Any chance you still have the link? I’m begging. ❤
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February 9, 2017 at 9:44 am
I’m sure I can find it again. Are you a fan of Jack White or just sulky Victorian children in general?
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February 9, 2017 at 9:51 am
I feel terrible, but I can’t find the thing anywhere. Even a Bing image search turned up nothing. I’m sorry. I’ll keep looking.
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February 9, 2017 at 9:58 am
Jack White. I have a friend for whom this would be the most perfectly funny gift ever.
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February 9, 2017 at 11:52 am
I hate to say it but I’m going to search for the naked mole rat art. My 9 year old son is obsessed with naked mole rats and – while the valentines one might not be apt – I’d love to check out the store.
My husband and I aren’t the gooey romantic types so we don’t exchange gifts or cards. In quarter of a century, we’ve attempted to mark Valentine’s Day twice and both times it went pear shaped. It seems I am spared so much ghastliness by not having to search for a gift.
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February 9, 2017 at 12:08 pm
You really are spared some awfulness. We do funny cards and dinner. Keeps things simple.
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February 10, 2017 at 1:10 pm
Laffing @ “that is not the shape of my heart”
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February 10, 2017 at 3:52 pm
Thank you! I only steal from the best songs…
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