From the Summer 2017 Flint, Michigan, tap water collection.
Et·som·ni·a (/etˈsämnēə/), noun, 1. a sleep disorder caused by obsessive Etsy browsing. 2. The surprising arrival of weird handmade merchandise ordered when one is only half conscious. (True story.) 3. An excuse for me to be an obnoxious, snarky New Yorker once per week.
Remember when denim shorts didn’t have a weird made-up name? I used to love them when we called them cutoffs or Daisy Dukes, but for some reason, calling them ‘jorts’ took all the joy out of them for me. Whatever you call them, though, Etsy has thousands of versions of jean shorts. They range from beautiful to confusing to crazy to ugly to unnecessarily prissy to gratuitously slutty to just plain rude. But love ’em or hate ’em, it’s jort season, y’all!
For more Etsy fun, check out all my weekly Etsomnia™ posts!
If I saw someone wearing these, I would wait until they fell asleep so I could tie their pant legs together. I’m only human.
Another pair of shorts ruined. That was the last time she was letting Swamp Thing get to third base!
You’ve got to love Etsy. For just $200, you can look like you fell asleep and your kids drew on you.
They’re missing something. What could it be? I know: used Qtips!
Sometimes, acid wash just works! By GibsonGirlVintage
Perfect for when your chair is too comfortable. (I do actually think they’re really cute, but sitting is going to smart!)
Fire sale! Everything must go!
Nothing says badass like skulls. And gingham.
Remember these from the 90s (and the 60s)? So flattering! Why did we ever stop wearing them? By ShopTwilled
The point of the dangly bits at the seams eludes me, but if I had legs like that, I’d probably wear them anyway.
I get the Teen Wolf reference, but still NO!
Adulting tip: Avoid clothing that makes you look like you still collect stickers.
Ridiculous. If your money falls out of these things, your pimp’s going to be pissed. These seem much more practical.
Finally! Beautifully painted shorts! By Voneenz
Etsy, where doilies go to die.
At least it all kind of goes together…
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. Crime scene pants are never going to catch on.
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My OBT 
June 29, 2017 at 6:06 am
You are are so funny!
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June 29, 2017 at 7:10 am
Thank you!
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June 29, 2017 at 8:03 am
Your comments are cracking me up. I needed a great laugh!
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June 29, 2017 at 9:39 am
Oh, good!
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June 29, 2017 at 9:44 am
I have studiously avoided anything associated with the word “jort” because it seemed like it would reference fashion tragedy (see: jeggings). You have confirmed my worst fears.
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June 29, 2017 at 10:12 am
Yes! Jeggings is another one! You get it.
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June 29, 2017 at 10:30 am
Jort–never heard that one. That pair with the fringes, though, I’d actually consider wearing. Great post as usual. N.
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June 29, 2017 at 11:54 am
Thank you! I’m assuming you don’t mean the ankle-length fringes. Those look like they’d belong to someone who’s been a zombie for too long.
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June 29, 2017 at 7:14 pm
Jorts? Seriously????
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June 29, 2017 at 10:08 pm
Yep. Blech.
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June 29, 2017 at 9:44 pm
The blood smeared shorts or the pair that look like the wearer frotted with the Creature from the Black Lagoon would be the worst items of the lot if it were not for the ridiculously grotesque pair that look like her arse got scratched by Wolverine.
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June 29, 2017 at 10:09 pm
Yes. It looks like she had the worst day of all.
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June 29, 2017 at 10:40 pm
Jorts is a stupid word. I heard it for the first time the other day when a hockey player wore them to a baseball game and the sports commentators were talking about it–I couldn’t see the point in talking about it or using the name jorts. Daisy Dukes….well that just conjures up fantastic imagery from my early teen years. Who would want to give that up? It would be like referring to the playboy bunny outfit as bloutfit–not nearly as sexy.
For the record, I am okay with tankini, but don’t really see the point. I am okay with spork, but only because I would never actually use one. I am okay with chables (those high school desks with a small writing area, but only because the name sounds just as stupid as those desks actually are.
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June 29, 2017 at 11:11 pm
Bloutfit is maybe the best/worst made-up word I’ve heard all year! Chables is another new one for me. Since I’m the tankini queen of Fire Island, I thoroughly approve of that word, and I always found spork funny. But jorts is just plain awful.
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June 29, 2017 at 11:45 pm
Tankini Queen of Fire Island….does this come with a crown, sash and sceptre? How many tankinis do you have to have to become Queen? Is this based on quality or quantity? I already know that you have fantastic taste, but I will need a little bit more information.
Always great to hear from you Donna.
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June 30, 2017 at 12:22 am
Hmm. I go for quantity AND quality, and I have a tankini for every occasion. I also have a number of crowns and sashes, though I can’t be trusted with sceptres. (I get tipsy and smite people.) To be perfectly honest, I purchased both the crowns and sashes myself. So now you know.
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June 30, 2017 at 10:20 am
If I had it within my power, I would award you with one or two myself.
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June 30, 2017 at 10:56 am
You’re too good to me.
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June 30, 2017 at 5:53 pm
I really like the owl shorts.
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June 30, 2017 at 8:06 pm
Ha! This is just a guess, but I believe they’re still available..,
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July 13, 2017 at 12:42 pm
This was a very funny post! Your captions were more funny than the shorts were awful. Some of those first shorts were actually okay (I could see the fad/fashion appeal), but they definitely got worse further into the post. So thanks for breaking us in easy! Haha!
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July 13, 2017 at 1:08 pm
Thank you! It’s like how they say you can boil a frog without his ever noticing if you heat the water gradually.
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