Years ago, I came up with the martini rule, which has gotten me in trouble nearly every time I’ve said it. The rule is this:
Martinis are like breasts: One is not enough and three is too many.
I have stopped telling people the rule because on more than one occasion, there has been someone within earshot who’s undergone a mastectomy. On those awful occasions, I spent the rest of the evening apologizing. I’m really not an insensitive jerk, I just don’t know when to shut up. F.Y.I., just because it shouldn’t be said doesn’t mean it’s not true. About martinis, I mean. I firmly believe that any number of breasts is a good number. Zero is an acceptable number, too. (Shut up, shut up, why can’t you shut up?)
©Monokini 2.0
I’m pleased to report that these lovely ladies have shut me up for good. Meet the breast cancer survivor participants of Monokini 2.0, produced by art duo Tärähtäneet ämmät and Nutty Tarts. The project was the brainchild of Elina Halttunen, PhD, who bills herself as “the woman with one tit.” Dr Halttunen is clearly awesome and should come hang out at our house very soon.
I love their design, I love their models, I love their photos, and I especially love their slogan, which is so good it gets a block quote of its own:
Who says you need two?
And I don’t want to give short shrift to the survivors who decide to go with reconstruction. That’s also a brave choice, and I have total respect for you. So here’s something just for the reconstruction gals. If you (or someone you love) opt for the reconstruction surgery, swing by Little Vinnie’s Tattoos in Finksburg, MD, for the finishing touch. In fact, if you have an appointment and you want a wingman (woman), give me a shout. I love a road trip, and the place looks awesome:
Update: My cousin just told me his martini rule, which is no less likely to get me in trouble.
Testicles, like Martinis, are best when in pairs.
Great. Now I have a whole new group of people I can offend.
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My OBT 
June 7, 2014 at 2:26 pm
I like both rules. 😀 I’ll have my Martini in a tall glass with a freezing cold diet lemonade please. Oh!.. and ice but no slice.
*Lemonade in the UK where I am (in case you don’t have this where you live) is a clear, carbonated, sweetened, lemon-flavored soft drink. Sort of a little bit like 7 Up. (But I’ve never tried 7Up in Martini so can’t say I’m recommending it.)
I can highly recommend a Martini and Lemonade, next time you’re in the UK. (It’s not a cocktail sized drink here so you get more drink, but drunk less quickly).
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June 13, 2014 at 1:05 pm
LOVE it! A friend jut showed me some of those fashion photos yesterday and now I know where they’re from!
Also, just because it’s true (or “shouldn’t be said”) doesn’t mean it isn’t funny either. 😉
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June 13, 2014 at 1:16 pm
Thanks! I agree!
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August 22, 2014 at 12:53 am
If testicles are best in pairs then, being short to the tune of two, I am woefully inadequate because all I can present is an empty sack. But, worry not, I take no offense. I, too, think that olives, breasts, and testicles are best in pairs – especially if served in Martinis.
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August 22, 2014 at 8:43 am
You and I drink our martinis a little differently . . . Thanks for the visit. Hope your health troubles are over.
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