
Those cherubs are looking suspiciously buxom, and their gold lamé boy shorts are reminding me of Peter Hinwood’s Rocky Horror costume. That’s too much irony, even for me.
Et·som·ni·a (/etˈsämnēə/), noun, 1. a sleep disorder caused by obsessive Etsy browsing. 2. the surprising arrival of weird handmade merchandise ordered when one is only half conscious. (True story.)
This week’s Etsomnia post is about timepieces: clocks, watches, sundials (not really). I love watches and clocks. I own more unusual watches than I’m willing to admit, and we have an arrangement of some of my favorite vintage (and vintage-looking) clocks atop a cabinet in the living room. (Can you guess which one is right? Me neither! But look! Clocks!) I even purchased one of those from Etsy, though I don’t recall which one.
Of course, those crazy Etsy sellers have to put their own spin on things, so brace yourself. It’s going to be a bumpy post!
As usual, links to the items for sale appear below each picture. For more Etsy fun, check out all my weekly Etsomnia™ posts.

Busy, busy, busy faux-Victorian clock face available for download. Even the horse looks disappointed.

Refreshingly appealing super chic “Deco Candy Bubbles” clock by DecoBoxRo

This one really confuses me. It looks like a kitchen clock, but instead of numbers, it has sexual positions from the Karma Sutra. Can you imagine popping by for coffee and being faced with this thing?

This is described as a workout watch. I assume the rest of that workout ensemble would look like this.*
*Next time you’re having a bad day, do a Google image search for “eighties aerobics.” I promise your mood will improve.

I could definitely make room in my clock collection for this Art Deco beauty! Sold by PinstripeVintage

Shudder-inspiring clock featuring miniature elephants (who inexplicably live in a tree) and I don’t know what else.

Hey, kids, what time is it? Time to throw this clock into a wood chipper, that’s what damned time it is.

I don’t know what to say about this clock except that waking up to this thing would not be good for my sanity. That is if I could get to sleep at all.

After years of browsing Etsy for the worst items imaginable, I have been rewarded. The site has finally coughed up something made out of an actual douche bag. I am a little bummed, however, that there’s no hose. It would have made a neat pendulum. Don’t miss the description, “Or give it to that one person you know.”

I’m a sucker for anything Edwardian. Stunning white gold Ebel watch ring. Sold by TimeKeepersInClayton
February 12, 2015 at 9:55 am
Wow, this was supremely entertaining! Call me childish, but the Kama Sutra, vomiting clown, and douche clocks particularly amused me.
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February 12, 2015 at 10:07 am
You and I are going to get along just fine!
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February 12, 2015 at 2:41 pm
Hahahah 🙂
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February 12, 2015 at 10:32 am
No words. Just. NO. Words… A d-bag CLOCK? Pretty much anything that is made from a REPURPOSED(??) douche bag just screams insanity. You MIGHT know someone deserving of such a gift(?) but dare you purchase it for them?? Ok, so I have words – who am I kidding!? I’ve always got words! 😉
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February 12, 2015 at 10:59 am
(Me, too!)
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February 12, 2015 at 12:16 pm
Wow. I think it used to be called QVCsom·ni·a.
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February 12, 2015 at 12:24 pm
That sounds serious, too!
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February 12, 2015 at 2:21 pm
Great clocks. I loved the Karma Sutra one, (you could find a bit of…inspiration for passing time rather than clock watching with that one), and the ring clock was very elegant and classy.
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February 12, 2015 at 3:10 pm
That Karma Sutra one cracked me up. I think it would make a great joke gift for a bachelor’s party.
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February 12, 2015 at 4:02 pm
Oh I spend way to much money at Etsy shops, but I do them them. Jo
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February 12, 2015 at 4:23 pm
I honestly think about a third of my disposable income is spent on Etsy at this point. I’m moving from Etsomnia to full on Etsaholism.
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February 12, 2015 at 4:19 pm
The captions, always the captions.
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February 12, 2015 at 4:23 pm
🙂
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February 12, 2015 at 6:54 pm
This may be the most craptastic collection yet (except for the couple of good pieces, of course)! Well done!
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February 12, 2015 at 7:57 pm
Thanks! I have the germ of an idea for next week’s, and I think it might be a good one . . .
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February 12, 2015 at 8:39 pm
Every clock was a riot until the next one and the next one. The clown clock, the Karma Sutra clock….no words..
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February 12, 2015 at 9:10 pm
I’m very glad you were entertained!
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