Etsomnia™ Volume XLV: Pure Jean-ius

June 11, 2015 by Donna from One Beautiful Thing 20 Comments

You’ve probably been wondering what it would look like to cut out all the most unflattering parts of a pair of jeans and plaster them onto a suit. Well, my friends, the wait is over!

Et·som·ni·a (/etˈsämnēə/), noun, 1. a sleep disorder caused by obsessive Etsy browsing. 2. the surprising arrival of weird handmade merchandise ordered when one is only half conscious. (True story.)

It turns out Etsomnia™ is contagious! Let’s give a big OBT welcome to our very first guest post writer, Danielle of DAN(IELLE) IN REAL LIFE! She commented on one of my Etsomnia™ posts, and I was really impressed with her wit, so I checked out her blog and decided she would be a great guest writer. Her lovely mother Elizabeth of The Wicker Chicken had a hand in helping Danielle with today’s post, too, so here’s a big thank you to them both! Take it away, Danielle!

Denim is a wonderfully versatile fabric. It can be used to make all kinds of items you use every day—like guinea pig hats, flowered satanic jackets, and even career wear. I was pleased to find that when it comes to creative denim pieces, Etsy sellers really think outside the box.

As usual, links to the items for sale appear below each picture. For more Etsy fun, check out all MyOBT’s weekly Etsomnia™ posts.

As the model enthusiastically demonstrates, this avant garde piece can easily double as a maternity jacket—considering it runs roughly 17 sizes too large.

Just imagine the lines on your face if you ever dared fall asleep on this pillow.

This top features “rad denim fringe on the ta-tas,” as noted by the seller. I simply cannot look at it without thinking of this scene from Katy Perry’s “Firework.”

Another gem from the previous seller. I suspect the hat is covering her face because she’s embarrassed about the sideways pair of half-jeans slung across her bust area. Also by HiHairy

I suspect the hat is covering her face because she’s embarrassed about the sideways pair of half-jeans slung across her bust area.

Because who doesn’t want a huge tote bag with the name of a distressing medical condition on it? Runners-up included “Male Pattern Baldness,” “Giant Bunions,” and “The Heartbreak of Psoriasis.”

Perfect for those 2- or 3-day outdoor festivals. Just stick a few poles in this thing and voilà, you’ve got yourself a full-sized tent! By AquashDesigns

Perfect for those 2- or 3-day outdoor festivals. Just stick a few poles in this thing, et voilà! You’ve got yourself a full-sized tent!

I can’t tell whose expression is more depressing—the model’s or the mink’s.

I’ve never owned a pet rodent, but I know that if I did, it would absolutely require one of these. By WolfspeakersWorkshop

I’ve never owned a pet rodent, but I know that if I did, it would absolutely require a rodent hammock.

I’m guessing the inspiration for this bold statement piece came from a certain popular book series. (Sorry, I don’t get it. Which one?) Also, I was highly disappointed to discover that the blue mermaid spandex shorts are not included in the $265 list price. By DEVOWEVO

I’m guessing the inspiration for this bold statement piece came from a certain popular children’s book series. Also, I was highly disappointed to discover that the blue mermaid spandex shorts are not included in the $265 list price.

What kinds of places is a dog going that would ever require it to wear a tutu with another tutu on it?

The only far-out place this “intergalactic jumpsuit” is going is to the distant depths of someone’s closet. Or the next Star Trek convention.

Sick and tired of getting Dad the same cliché ties every year for Father’s Day? Why not jazz things up by adding some flowers and two distinctly non-plussed-looking strangers?

I don’t even want to think about the kinds of nightmares I would have had if this item had graced the corner of my childhood bedroom. By rebskitandkaboodle (also check out her Phyllis BBW doll if you don’t want to sleep tonight).

I don’t even want to think about the kinds of nightmares I would have had if this item had graced the corner of my childhood bedroom. (And if you’d rather not sleep tonight, go check out the Phyllis BBW doll.)

Chiropractor: “What brings you in today?” Patient “Oh, you know, just got a little carried away modeling this badass dress and now I can’t stand or walk.” By PinkAvenger

Chiropractor: “What brings you in today?”
Patient “Oh, you know, just got a little carried away modeling this badass dress and now I can’t stand, walk, or breathe through my nose.”

Danielle Levesque works in special education as a paraprofessional and teacher-in-training. She studied Psychology at the Ohio State University and is pursuing a master’s degree in Special Education. In order to keep the lights and the water on, she is also employed as a home health aide, freelance writer and driver for Uber (which is exactly as crazy as it sounds). In her free time, Danielle plays in a mediocre band, feigns expertise in the areas of craft beer and coffee, and holds up right-lane traffic on her road bicycle.