My OBT

What if you spent every day looking for One Beautiful Thing?

Etsomnia™ Volume 50*: Toys R Us

30 Comments

This mole mask is listed as a kid's birthday favor. What kid wants a mole-themed birthday party? By fAverittecreations

This mole mask is listed as a kid’s birthday favor. What kid wants a mole-themed birthday party? And why is it being modeled by a grown man? Creepy much?

*In honor of the 50th issue of Etsomnia™, I’ve decided to do away with the stupid Roman numerals.

Et·som·ni·a (/etˈsämnēə/), noun, 1. a sleep disorder caused by obsessive Etsy browsing. 2. the surprising arrival of weird handmade merchandise ordered when one is only half conscious. (True story.)

There have been 50 editions of Etsomnia™. It’s hard to believe. It seems like only yesterday that I put out my very first episode. I was so much nicer then. It wasn’t until episode five that I really let my snark flag fly. It’s been a great 50 weeks, and I hope we enjoy many hundreds more. (Especially since I spent a shocking amount of money on the trademark!)

I know I make a lot of fun of Etsy (and boy, do I enjoy it!), but I have to admit the site really is the best resource for gorgeous handmade stuff, and I consider their toy selection to be far superior to all other websites. That said, there are still nutballs turning out oodles of oddities, yards of yikes, acres of awfuls, and WTFs the likes of which you have never seen.

As usual, links to the items for sale appear below each picture. For more Etsy fun, check out all my weekly Etsomnia™ posts.

Does your house have cabbage rose prints on every surface? Is every small appliance covered in its own paste-colored cozy? Did you name your child Doily? Then we have just the teepee for you! By FrancieAndCo

Does your house have cabbage rose prints on every surface? Is every small appliance covered in its own pastel-colored cozy? Did you name your child Doily? Then this is the play teepee for you!

Meet Blue Belinda, a “laughing and cheering folk girl.” Maniacally-laughing folk girl in need of a periodontist might be a more accurate description.

This two-story playhouse is way nicer than more than one place I've lived. By SkywriterCreations

This two-story playhouse is way nicer than a few places I’ve lived. Way nicer. By SkywriterCreations

This very adult (and yet tragically unfashionable)

This very adult (and yet tragically unfashionable) “costume” was in the kids dress-up section. I assume she’s dressing up as a desperately-single wedding guest with no plus one. It should come with runny mascara and an appletini.

Do you have a fearful child in need of tougheing up? Is your little one a bed wetter? Would you like him to be? Why not get him this lemur doll by Sukhanov

Do you have a timid child in need of toughening up? Is your boy a bed wetter? Would you like him to be? Well then put this not-at-all-terrifying lemur doll in his bedroom and wait for the hilarity to ensue!

Miranda excitedly tore into the wrapping paper. She was certain it was the Angelique Angel Doll she'd been begging for. She tore off the last of the paper, and gasped, not with delight, but with horror. Worst. Birthday. Ever. By SaraDeckArt

Miranda excitedly tore into the wrapping paper. She was certain it was the Pink Angel Barbie® Doll she’d been begging for. She tore off the last of the paper, and gasped. Worst. Birthday. Ever.

Mountain stacker puzzle toy by SensoryPlay who hates children and colors

Mountain stacker puzzle toy by a seller who understands neither senses nor play

I would absolutely love to give this beautiful handmade personalized guitar to some special little someone. We'll see who turns out to be musical! By ScissorMill

I can’t wait to give this beautiful handmade personalized guitar to some special little someone. I sure hope one of the new crop turns out to be musical! By ScissorMill

Russian beaver bath toy. Not at all what I thought Russian beaver would look like. By SovietEra

Russian beaver bath toy. Not at all what I thought Russian beaver would look like.

$290 Children's activity quiet book. For that kind of money, a babysitter should pop out and cart the little screaming person out of earshot. By CreativeLittleMonkey

$290 Children’s activity quiet book. For that kind of money, a nanny should pop out and take the little darling to the park.

What this doll lacks in visual appeal, it makes up for with backstory. Here's how Pierre's story starts:

What this doll lacks in visual appeal, it makes up for in complex backstory. Here’s how Pierre’s story starts:
“Let’s face it, conducting explorations of the ocean is not only very expensive, but very dangerous and physically challenging. Pierre is forced to pirate in order to fund his under water explorations and to stay in shape.”
By MonsterMaud

I love how they call two rocks glued together with googly eyes

I love how they call two rocks glued together with googly eyes “Original Rock Buddy” like there are knock-offs out there.

Happy birthday, sweetie! Here's something that used to be a horse! By RubertsGeneralStore

Happy birthday, sweetie! Here’s something that used to be a horse! But be careful of his nose. It’s rotting!

That is one brave kid. By Sukanhov

“Charming character with handmade eyes, which have a real soul.” Which he gets by eating little children, I assume.

Touch-me-there panda puzzle.

Sock cat doll by TEEsoxbyTeri, who clearly dislikes children. And socks.

If you must make a sock cat doll, at least wash the sock.

If there's one thing all children need, it's a realistic NYC subway rat. By Darialvovsky

If there’s one thing all children need, it’s a realistic NYC subway rat. I wonder if it comes with felted urine-soaked fast-food wrappers?

Very impressive Queen Elizabeth costume. By LeenGreenBean (who also makes this, so there's maybe some issues there)

Very impressive Queen Elizabeth costume. By LeenGreenBean (who also makes this, so there’s maybe some issues there)

Author: Donna from MyOBT

I have committed to spending part of every day looking for at least one beautiful thing, and sharing what I find with you lovelies!

30 thoughts on “Etsomnia™ Volume 50*: Toys R Us

  1. Oh so much ugly! That horrid toothed doll is the stuff of nightmares and horror movies. Definitely the most creepy item I’ve seen in your series. I think that Cheshire Cat is a marvel of skill and crafting and artistry and a creation to be proud of – but I could not own it. My kids would want the rat. I’m not joking.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is my first time for Etsomnia on your blog — what a hoot! Thanks for the chuckles!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Once again, you managed to find some truly ugly and frightening things, and I really like that you started it off with a bang. As I scrolled down the page, “Blue Belinda” greeted me first and I thought she was the creepiest doll I’d ever seen ( must be the teeth, or could it be the blue eye shadow?).

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Etsomnia, hahaha, I like that. I do like to browse Etsy also but I tend to get stuck on Pinterest when I want to find something out.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. A hoot as usual…your captions are the best!!!! – Karen

    Liked by 1 person

  6. So much WTF.

    1) People who dress children in anything like that blue monstrosity with heels and then pose them like May West should be investigated by child protective services for multiple reasons.

    2) LeenGreenBean has some cute things but I never fail to be amazed at the prices. I haven’t picked up a crochet needle in years but I could make that eyeball. Of course I wouldn’t because I believe the world is cruel and vulgar enough as is.

    3) Overall the prices for things dumbfound me. Creativelittlemonkey has another, admittedly more detailed, busy book for $1180. That’s more than the estimate to replace my clutch. She also has a line of fruit-themed headbands for children, which sell for $25 a piece. That has to be a markup of like 1000%.

    This makes spending $10 to try a new mascara in hopes of finally finding the right one seem positively wise.

    You have made me look forward to Thursdays. Love.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, darling lady! I love hearing what you think of the Etsy roundup every week. Regarding the prices, I confess that after looking at the first 17 pages of whatever sub category I’m exploring, I often resort to sorting by highest priced, then by lowest priced, just to see what’s at either end of the spectrum. Most items are much more reasonable, but who wants to read about that? Hugs, hon!

      Like

  7. Cheshire cat doesn’t sound very cuddly in its description, but the boy seems happy…. o, right! Because of the soul-eating thing!

    Queen Eliza-baby looks a tad frightened… probably picked up bad vibes from the creator of Eyeball boy…

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I am pretty damn sure I’m going to have nightmares tonight. You owe me a drink.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Love this stuff! Can’t afford it, but love looking at it all. Gosh there are such creative people in the world, huh?!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Errrr….sock cat doll?! Eeeek! In all seriousness some of this stuff is kind of fun. Not sure I would spend money for most of it, but the panda puzzle and the two-story playhouse are pretty cool. I do love all of the captions!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I really liked Pierre, his face reminds me of me.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I like that playhouse bed. The rest really are the subject of nightmares!

    Liked by 1 person

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