Photo credit: Alice Hutchinson / Foter

Et·som·ni·a (/etˈsämnēə/), noun, 1. a sleep disorder caused by obsessive Etsy browsing. 2. the surprising arrival of weird handmade merchandise ordered when one is only half conscious. (True story.)

Change is in the air and anxiety abounds, so I thought it was a good opportunity to distract myself during the deep, dark midnight of the soul with another edition of Etsomnia™.

Here are the most gratuitously expensive (mostly stupid) things I could find on Etsy, in no particular order.  For more Etsy fun, check out all my weekly Etsomnia™ posts.

Gold-plated Italian marble toilet. According to the description, the price tag of $7,499 is a drastic markdown because the gold is a little worn. If there’s one thing I require in a crapper, it’s that the gold plating be pristine.

And speaking of thrones, here’s a single chair for $237,500. Okay, I get it. Original Eames. But for that price, Charles and Ray should come back from the dead and become your personal servants.

Searching for “encrusted” brings up all sorts of weird results like this clump of eyeballs necklace for $7,495.

Just because it’s antique doesn’t mean it’s not hideous. Iron eyesore for $66.886.42.

Wooden “scepter/wand” which includes plastic googly eyes and other undoubtedly legit magical features. For $1,850.

In this case, the $10K price tag doesn’t seem unreasonable, damnit. This costume gown in silver leather with hand embroidery and beading is a real work of art, and an award winner to boot. By Beata Kania, sold by AnythingDiscovered

What a terrible waste of perfectly good diamonds. $27,000 gets this big, bad bauble on your finger, but you’ll need to spend another bundle on some kind of hydraulics so you can raise the arm it’s on.

I have way too many purses, which is one of the reasons I won’t be purchasing this vintage VanCleef & Arpels clutch for $105K. There are other reasons, too.

Sheesh. 18th Century French Cabinet With Bronze Trim which unfortunately missed being set afire during the French Revolution. Happily, it’s never too late. $60K.

“Vintage inspired” beaded wedding ensemble, clearly intended for former strippers who marry well. The price for this drafty masterpiece is $250,000 (marked down from $290,000).

Here’s your big chance to sit on Stephen Colbert’s face. For $27,200, you could be the proud owner of this Steven Colbert couch, which actually has its own video. By MattCharlan

For $15,246.81, you could be the proud owner of this ermine cape, which wouldn’t make you look bat-shit crazy at all.

It’s not every day you come across a mosaic monkey (with toe shoes on his hands?). $3,500 will get you this fine specimen.

This $30K collection of rocks, twine, and a dowel is entitled “The Greatest Sculpture of the Twenty-First Century.” At least the artist doesn’t suffer from self esteem problems.

For $26K, you can be the proud owner of this necklace which looks to me like one of Ren & Stimpy’s feet.

I know these Chiluly-style blown-glass squiggle lamps are some people’s idea of beautiful, but this one just looks like a bunch of sperm trying to impregnate a light bulb. $67,500.

$8,300 is all it takes to add this set of creepy and vaguely offensive jewels to your collection.

Good luck sleeping after moving this nightmare marionette into your house. That wouldn’t be a problem for me, though because after paying $25,000 for it, I wouldn’t have anywhere to sleep for very long.

How much to you have to love looking at yourself to spend $15K on a mirror, even a very, very large one?

Bastards. $26,000 by EstateDiamondJewelry