Nightmare-inducing clown decanter. The seller calls it a “Great Christmas Gift”
et·som·ni·a (/etˈsämnēə/), noun, 1. a sleep disorder caused by obsessive Etsy browsing. 2. the surprising arrival of weird handmade merchandise ordered in one’s sleep.
“Thanks, I’d rather just have coal.”
When I was researching my holiday gift guide, I kept coming across gift suggestions that were so awesome in their awfulness, so bodacious in their badness, so colossal in their crappiness (somebody stop me!), I just had to share. Everything that appears below either has the word “gift” in the title or is included in Etsy’s gift ideas section. I should mention that many, many of the items in their gift section were clever and lovely and desirable. However, there were still a few doozies for me to play with.
As usual, links to the items for sale appear below each picture. For more Etsy fun, check out all my weekly Etsomnia™ posts.
“Unique Christmas Gift” Glitter pills intended to make your poop glittery. By GlitterPills, shredding club kids’ intestines since 2013
“Deer Scrotum Real Leather Fur Hairy Hide Ball Bag Taxidermy Animal Testicle Men’s Gift” I think the seller should have stuck to beer nuts
“Saint Brad Pitt Candle” appears on the first page of Etsy gift suggestions.
Okay, I get that this is an Albrecht Durer print, but who wants a picture of dislocated-shoulder Jesus with his middle finger up and the face of Zero Mostel? S
Large cross-body cat bag by BenWineWin.
Dear, Ben. I think the wine IS winning.
From the “For Her” section, Pooping Pooches 2015 Wall Calendar. By JWagenman
This is from the presumably unmoderated “Teens” section. F.Y.I., the teens section also contained bride paraphernalia, knives, and at least one bong. Kids today.
Also from the “For Her” section is this steering wheel cover. The title also indicates it would make an appropriate Valentine’s Day gift. I’m guessing the maker would fit right in here.
And from the “Friends and Coworkers” section, “Daryl’s Ears soap” inspired by Walking Dead. By AJSweetSoap
Look, if you have kids, you’re going to receive something that looks like this at some point. But to get it from someone who actually purchased it? Unacceptable.
What kind of message is this sending? “Merry Christmas! I saw this hideous mug warmer and thought of you!”
“Lavender Hat Dilly Dilly Gift for Him.” Maybe for him whom you hate. And what’s with the weird strings at the bottom? Did he chew off the pompoms right before the picture?
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My OBT 
December 11, 2014 at 9:26 am
There are. Just. NO. WORDS! Holy hell!! Actually, I just bought one of DentzDenim’s shirts – the red, slouchy MERRY CHRISTMAS BITCHES sweatshirt which I plan to shock my in-laws with on Christmas Eve. 😉 That steering wheel cover made me wanna rip something apart; mainly THAT steering wheel cover!
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December 11, 2014 at 9:55 am
I love the sweatshirt idea! I hope they are satisfyingly shocked (try and take pictures).
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