Etsomnia™ Volume XXV: Vintage With a Vengance!

January 15, 2015 by Donna from One Beautiful Thing 20 Comments

I went looking for the ugliest vintage lamp on Etsy, and when I saw this thing, I knew my search was over. $85 “Rustic” fish lamp.

Et·som·ni·a (/etˈsämnēə/), noun, 1. a sleep disorder caused by obsessive Etsy browsing. 2. the surprising arrival of weird handmade merchandise ordered when one is only half conscious. (True story.)

Vin·tage /ˈvin-tij/ noun. 1. a period in which something was made or was begun. 2. your old crap which you manage to sell to someone else. See also Garbage.

While I spend most of my Etsomnia column space on items found in Etsy’s handmade section, it has occurred to me that the vintage side deserves some of my affectionate snark as well. Sometimes, the past is best left in the past (or the dumpster from which it was undoubtedly taken).

As usual, links to the items for sale appear below each picture. For more Etsy fun, check out all my weekly Etsomnia™ posts.

You know what's worse than Birkenstocks? Nothing. Joking! Used Birkenstocks are worse! Sold by VintyThreads

You know what’s worse than Birkenstocks? Nothing! I’m joking. Used Birkenstocks are worse! You know they didn’t wear socks with those.

This is called "Bozo the Clown Father's Day Gift." Talk about daddy issues. Sold by KeepItCasual

This abomination of a necktie is called “Bozo the Clown Father’s Day Gift.” Talk about daddy issues.

I feel about used handkerchiefs like I would about previously-owned cloth diapers. No thank you. Sold by SecondHandWonderland

I feel about used handkerchiefs like I would about previously-owned cloth diapers. Bodily fluids equal an automatic no thank you. Not to imply it would be any more appealing if new. . .

It's time for a treat. When I saw this 1960's Pierre Cardin silk gown, I nearly swooned! Sold by StatedStyle

Here’s something worth preserving! When I saw this 1960’s Pierre Cardin silk gown, I nearly swooned. Sold for a tidy sum by StatedStyle

A pen from a funeral home? Really? Who saves this crap? Sold by AusableRiverTrader

A pen from a funeral home? Really? Who saves this crap? (Hastily shoving collection of non-working free pens in drawer.)

I was unable to narrow down the most hilarious vintage dress on Etsy, so I had to give you the worst four. From left to right, here are the links to the orange, the green, the yellow, and the lilac

I was unable to narrow down the most hilarious vintage dress on Etsy, so I had to give you my four favorites. Since they are essentially the same dress, together, they would make a wonderfully terrible group of bridesmaids.

The figurine is bad, but the item name is worse: “Vintage Pig Figurine, victorian steampunk cottage chic home decor gypsy retro collectable country western farm rustic kitchen animal ranch.”

Look at all the fucks he does not give! Super-creepy boy mannequin sold by ArmandALegMannequins whose store is chock-full of nightmare-inducing things

Look at all the fucks he does not give! From a shop that is chock-full of nightmare-inducing things.

If I had a place for this glorious Art Deco firescreen, I’d be all over it! Sold by SteeleAndCox

This abomination is listed as “A Superb Mid-Century Vintage” painting, and described as “sweet.” And good news! The serial killer who painted it even signed it! Yike.

You really have to wonder what kind of wackadoodle saves this stuff. Burned doll sold by TheJinns, who makes a point of saying the doll is not haunted. Because that's not at all suspicious.

You really have to wonder what kind of wackadoodle saves this stuff. Burned doll whose seller makes a point of saying the doll is not haunted. Because that’s not at all suspicious.

I could definitely make room in my jewelry box for this 21 carat diamond tiara! Sold by DoverJewelry

Okay, allow me just one more ugly dress . . .

This is the Marty Feldman of donkey figurines. Sold by JGallegosArt

Remind you of anyone?

No listing of vintage crap on Etsy would be complete without at least one velvet painting, and this one's a beaut. Sold by AccidentalCharm

No listing of vintage uglies on Etsy would be complete without at least one velvet painting, and this one’s a beaut.

I want to make fun. Really I do. It's burnt orange naugahyde, for heaven's sake. But it's got such flair I can't do it. I couldn't live with it, but I admire it's chutspah. Sold by BlockHeadFurnishings

I want to make fun. Really I do. It’s burnt orange naugahyde, for heaven’s sake. But it’s got such flair I can’t do it. I don’t want to live with it, but I admire its attitude. Sold by BlockHeadFurnishings