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What if you spent every day looking for One Beautiful Thing?

Etsomnia™ Volume XXV: Vintage With a Vengance

20 Comments

I went looking for the ugliest vintage lamp on Etsy, and when I saw this thing, I stopped looking. $85 "Rustic" fish lamp sold by WilShepherd

I went looking for the ugliest vintage lamp on Etsy, and when I saw this thing, I knew my search was over. $85 “Rustic” fish lamp.

Et·som·ni·a (/etˈsämnēə/), noun, 1. a sleep disorder caused by obsessive Etsy browsing. 2. the surprising arrival of weird handmade merchandise ordered when one is only half conscious. (True story.)

Vin·tage  /ˈvin-tij/ noun. 1. a period in which something was made or was begun. 2. your old crap which you manage to sell to someone else. See also Garbage.

While I spend most of my Etsomnia column space on items found in Etsy’s handmade section, it has occurred to me that the vintage side deserves some of my affectionate snark as well. Sometimes, the past is best left in the past (or the dumpster from which it was undoubtedly taken).

As usual, links to the items for sale appear below each picture. For more Etsy fun, check out all my weekly Etsomnia™ posts.

You know what's worse than Birkenstocks? Nothing. Joking! Used Birkenstocks are worse! Sold by VintyThreads

You know what’s worse than Birkenstocks? Nothing! I’m joking. Used Birkenstocks are worse! You know they didn’t wear socks with those.

This is called "Bozo the Clown Father's Day Gift." Talk about daddy issues. Sold by KeepItCasual

This abomination of a necktie is called “Bozo the Clown Father’s Day Gift.” Talk about daddy issues. 

I feel about used handkerchiefs like I would about previously-owned cloth diapers. No thank you. Sold by SecondHandWonderland

I feel about used handkerchiefs like I would about previously-owned cloth diapers. Bodily fluids equal an automatic no thank you. Not to imply it would be any more appealing if new. . . 

It's time for a treat. When I saw this 1960's Pierre Cardin silk gown, I nearly swooned! Sold by StatedStyle

Here’s something worth preserving! When I saw this 1960’s Pierre Cardin silk gown, I nearly swooned. Sold for a tidy sum by StatedStyle

A pen from a funeral home? Really? Who saves this crap? Sold by AusableRiverTrader

A pen from a funeral home? Really? Who saves this crap? (Hastily shoving collection of non-working free pens in drawer.)

I was unable to narrow down the most hilarious vintage dress on Etsy, so I had to give you the worst four. From left to right, here are the links to the orange, the green, the yellow, and the lilac

I was unable to narrow down the most hilarious vintage dress on Etsy, so I had to give you my four favorites. Since they are essentially the same dress, together, they would make a wonderfully terrible group of bridesmaids.

The figurine is bad, but the item name is worse: "Vintage Pig Figurine, victorian steampunk cottage chic home decor gypsy retro collectable country western farm rustic kitchen animal ranch." Sold by SheekyDoodle

The figurine is bad, but the item name is worse: “Vintage Pig Figurine, victorian steampunk cottage chic home decor gypsy retro collectable country western farm rustic kitchen animal ranch.” 

If I had a place for this glorious Art Deco firescreen, I'd be all over it! Sold by SteeleAndCox

If I had a place for this glorious Art Deco firescreen, I’d be all over it! Sold by SteeleAndCox

This abomination is listed as “A Superb Mid-Century Vintage” painting, and described as “sweet.” And good news! The serial killer who painted it even signed it! Yike. 

You really have to wonder what kind of wackadoodle saves this stuff. Burned doll sold by TheJinns, who makes a point of saying the doll is not haunted. Because that's not at all suspicious.

You really have to wonder what kind of wackadoodle saves this stuff. Burned doll whose seller makes a point of saying the doll is not haunted. Because that’s not at all suspicious.

I could definitely make room in my jewelry box for this 21 carat diamond tiara! Sold by DoverJewelry

I could definitely make room in my jewelry box for this 21 carat diamond tiara! Sold by DoverJewelry

Okay, allow me just one more ugly dress . . . 

This is the Marty Feldman of donkey figurines. Sold by JGallegosArt

Remind you of anyone? 

No listing of vintage crap on Etsy would be complete without at least one velvet painting, and this one's a beaut. Sold by AccidentalCharm

No listing of vintage uglies on Etsy would be complete without at least one velvet painting, and this one’s a beaut. 

I want to make fun. Really I do. It's burnt orange naugahyde, for heaven's sake. But it's got such flair I can't do it. I couldn't live with it, but I admire it's chutspah. Sold by BlockHeadFurnishings

I want to make fun. Really I do. It’s burnt orange naugahyde, for heaven’s sake. But it’s got such flair I can’t do it. I don’t want to live with it, but I admire its attitude. Sold by BlockHeadFurnishings

"Cute slipper chair" that "needs a little attention." What it needs is to go back to the dumpster from whence it came. Sold for $225 by KissMyATTVintage

$225 “Cute slipper chair” that “needs a little attention.” Should have been listed as “Bedbug habitat.” 

Last one. I promise. I couldn't resist. This one is so ugly, I even know what it smells like. Sold by AardvarkMarket

Last one. I promise. I couldn’t resist. This one is so ugly, I can even imagine what it smells like (dust and cream of mushroom soup). 

Author: Donna from MyOBT

I have committed to spending part of every day looking for at least one beautiful thing, and sharing what I find with you lovelies!

20 thoughts on “Etsomnia™ Volume XXV: Vintage With a Vengance

  1. You know how to turn a phrase, my dear – the smell of “dust and cream of mushroom soup” has earned a spot in my permanent mental collection of bon damn mots!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I’m with you on Blockhead. Perhaps the material is not exactly right, but everything else about it has potential. As you say, it has “attitude.”

    Liked by 2 people

  3. This should really be labelled Etsy fails…

    Liked by 1 person

  4. This makes me miss regretsy

    Like

  5. LOL oh no really? My aunt usually browses Etsy and tells me they have some good stuff,I have never seen the wite.. ugh these are ugly

    Liked by 1 person

  6. As usual, I DIE reading your commentary! “smells like…(dust and cream of mushroom soup)”! “Bedbug habitat”!? Thank you! Was actually pondering that orange Naugahyde chair… 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  7. That Cardin number is special and I had a guilty pleasure moment eying that orange naugahyde armchair too. My eyes are still smarting from the rest of your dumpster diving reveal. Ouch!

    Like

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