Etsomnia™ Volume XXXVII: It’s In the Bag

April 16, 2015 by Donna from One Beautiful Thing 26 Comments

Dear Etsy, You complete me. Love, Donna. By MariaAgafos

Oh, Etsy, how I love thee!

Et·som·ni·a (/etˈsämnēə/), noun, 1. a sleep disorder caused by obsessive Etsy browsing. 2. the surprising arrival of weird handmade merchandise ordered when one is only half conscious. (True story.)

Beloved’s birthday is in a couple of weeks. When we discussed what she’d like for a gift this year, she expressed an interest in a new bag for her laptop. I then attacked the search for exactly the right thing with my usual single-minded zeal.

I was eventually successful at finding THE bag (I hope), but my search made me realize how many hilarious options there are on Etsy. In fact, there are so many tragedies in this category, we may need a part two at some point. I had to forcibly cut myself off, in particular from the felted offerings, which made all my ugly Etsomnia merchandise dreams come true! Proceed with caution: this one is going to burn.

As usual, links to the items for sale appear below each picture. For more Etsy fun, check out all my weekly Etsomnia™ posts.

IMPORTANT NOTE: If you don’t click on the links in the descriptions, you’re missing half the jokes. Of course, I am talking about the links on random words. Whether or not you click on the sellers’ names is up to you.

(something about putting your bag on the floor) By WutongMiller

At least you wouldn’t have to worry about putting your bag on the floor.

Wow. Just wow. By the very optimistic AllThingsPretty

Awful, I know, but I’m just getting started. By the shockingly misnamed AllThingsPretty

Terrifying leather rabbit bag for $489. By LaneStark

I would expect this thing to murder me in my sleep. Maybe it’s safer to just get a leather animal head purse.

Why does she have chest hair?

What a terrible waste of rhinestones! By FashionVillageOnline

A clutch always sounds to me like something you want to keep near to you. This should be called a throw, or possibly a chuck.

Why in the world would anyone want an animal-print soccer ball purse? By RandallVonEbersole

“Retro Pinup Style Leopard Print Soccer Ball Purse.” Pinup style? Somebody might want to check their sources.

Look! A literal eyesore! The sad part is, this was neither the ugliest nor the creepiest eyeball purse on Etsy.

Very clever if gimmicky clutch made of 24K-plated Lego bricks. By AGABag

Weirdly compelling change purse. I want to make fun, but it's actually quite lovely. By AndiLeeCreations

Weirdly compelling change purse. I want to make fun, but it’s actually kind of charming. By AndiLeeCreations

For the woman who has everything: a purse with gonads!

If you’re going to work in felt, do it like this! Super-stylish felt briefcase by KMBaggies. (I also fell for this happy little thing. Unfortunately, I don’t teach kindergarten or work for Katy Perry, so I can’t get away with it.)

The trifecta of tragedy: Felted, painted, and embroidered, and all three executed stunningly poorly. By RelovedFabrics

The trifecta of tragedy: Felted, painted, and embroidered, and all three executed unimaginably badly. On the bright side, it’s on sale!

Mouth-breathing Lynx bag. Of course, the poor addled lynx is not the only instance of purse derp.

Metallic lipstick red fringed leather purse. That's a whole lot of look. By DBag. Wait, that's not right. By DLeather

Metallic lipstick red fringed leather purse. By DBag. Okay, that’s not really the name of the store, but don’t you wish it were?

This “upcycled” shoe purse makes me feel sad and stabby at the same time.

Unfortunately, this one was lame and had to be taken out and shot. (Sorry, horse people.)

I love this idea of bridesmaids all carrying the same clutch in slightly different patterns, and Etsy is a great source for such things. These two options are by FABridal

I'm sorry, but Elvis has actually left the building. By ScatteredVintage

I’m sorry to burst your bubble, but Elvis has actually left the building.

This special non-Etsy bonus nightmare is courtesy of fellow blogger Lila who writes

This special non-Etsy bonus nightmare is courtesy of Lila who writes the blog “sometimes i think life is trying to kill me.” You should go check her out. She’s easily as demented as I am! Thanks, Lila!