Oh, Etsy, you complete me.
Et·som·ni·a (/etˈsämnēə/), noun, 1. a sleep disorder caused by obsessive Etsy browsing. 2. the surprising arrival of weird handmade merchandise ordered when one is only half conscious. (True story.)
Etsomnia is a day early this week.
We’ve certainly been exposed to all kinds of wacky handmade items in our daily lives – bad clothing, weird art, awkward crafts, etc. But how many of us have encountered truly hand-made shoes?
I would love to be a shoe designer. I think about it all the time, but it’s not the kind of thing you can dabble in. Even more than clothing design, shoe design requires a good working understanding of the body part it’s meant to cover. We’re not talking about scarves, here. People wearing the items actually need to be able to, you know, walk. Etsy sellers don’t let that slow them down, however. And if you expand the search to include slippers, things get even weirder.
As usual, links to the items for sale appear below each picture. For more Etsy fun, check out all my weekly Etsomnia™ posts. Follow me on Bloglovin!
Elaborate and unwieldy as these look, I’d be willing to give them a try. By Fashion4Freedom who makes some really innovative, beautiful carved shoes-as-art
These things ought to come with a car and driver, because you’re certainly not walking anywhere in them. By ApexFX
This pair comes with a matching bag to keep your toes in after you’ve had them removed to enable you to get into the shoes.
“Would you like some tea?”
“Definitely not.”
(Don’t miss the weird poltergeist-type stack of random kitchen items in the bowl in the background)
And the winner of the coveted Ugliest Shoe on Etsy title goes to… ClampClamp
Boots with working candelabras. What could go wrong?
These instruments of lumpy uncomfortableness looks like they were made by third graders in camp.
With the right slim-fit suit, these stunning shoes would stop traffic! Plus, you could probably trip people walking by without even having to stick out your foot. By TheGothicShoeCo
Very menacing-looking, not at all derpy Shark Week shoes. (Beloved pointed out they would be better with googly eyes)
And while we’re exploring the derp category, here are some very masculine men’s felted slippers FOR GROWN MEN.
Walking in these things should be an Olympic event. By SpikesByG, who is making me think that Boise, Idaho, is a bit different than I pictured
You know what makes you feel extra cool and comfortable in the summer? If I knew, I’d be wearing it, but it’s certainly not damp wool wrapped around your ankles.
Not intended to be clown shoes, if you can imagine.
While I wouldn’t wear them, at least they are cheerful in a Harajuku sort of way.
You know how annoying it is when you buy beautiful pumps for your outdoor wedding, only to ruin them sinking into the soft ground? Problem solved! Sure, you’d still sink, but these aren’t beautiful!
Back-to-school shoes from the Lady Gaga collection.
These are kind of gorgeous, but you’d have to be very secure in your masculinity (or Liberace) to wear these groom’s shoes. By DesignYourPedestal
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My OBT 
September 9, 2015 at 7:58 am
Oh how I’ve missed your Etsomnia posts. They start my morning right. Thanks.
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September 9, 2015 at 9:10 am
Thank you! That’s great to hear!
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September 9, 2015 at 8:10 am
I’m taking the bait: are those flesh colored, thong-toed sandals actually modeled on vaginas? I looked at them and instantly thought vagina. Just me?
I’m not a shoe person. My feet are naturally shaped just like Neanderthals feet would have been. I can’t wear nicely shaped shoes and I can’t walk in heels. Not just stacked heels or stilettos but any heels. I’m crap. I’m all about comfort and wearing shoes that make me feel as much as possible like I’m not wearing shoes – and I go barefoot whenever I can. However, those silver shoes and the sequined ones at the end do appeal to me. I would want to be able to wear those.
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September 9, 2015 at 9:12 am
I wanted people to come to their own conclusions about the pink shoes, but I do believe they are distinctly crotchy. Sorry about your feet. Heels aren’t for everyone. I bet you could rock the ones you liked, though.
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September 9, 2015 at 9:24 am
No need to be sorry. I was a feral tomboy throughout my childhood and youth so my feet just never became accustomed to being in more stylish shoes.
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September 9, 2015 at 10:12 am
Yes…Welcome to Etsomnia and all it’s fugliness. I was snickering at the various shoes, then I read the comment from You and Laura…eww, I did not go there. But of course you know after reading that I had to look again. I can just hear the kids at school teasing the girl who wears those sandals.
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September 9, 2015 at 10:35 am
They are especially yucky. Even if they were less pink and suggestive of reproductive organs, they’d still be gross.
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September 9, 2015 at 11:13 am
Okay, I admit it. I totally love the blue and purple elf shoes and matching hat. They look like wool and are making me itch just looking at them, but I still love them. 😉
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September 9, 2015 at 11:33 am
I’ll give you that. They are pretty cute in a costumey way.
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September 9, 2015 at 1:24 pm
My mother worked at a shoe factory for 25 years and was privileged to try samples out. Oh the joys of shoes! Your post made me remember some of the oopsies lol
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September 9, 2015 at 1:56 pm
That must have been interesting! I would have loved growing up with access to sample shoes!
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September 9, 2015 at 8:40 pm
Those silver oxfords are rather fetching!
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September 9, 2015 at 9:07 pm
Aren’t they gorgeous?
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