Etsomnia™ Volume 56: Shoe Envy

September 9, 2015 by Donna from MyOBT 13 Comments

Oh, Etsy, you complete me.

Et·som·ni·a (/etˈsämnēə/), noun, 1. a sleep disorder caused by obsessive Etsy browsing. 2. the surprising arrival of weird handmade merchandise ordered when one is only half conscious. (True story.)

Etsomnia is a day early this week.

We’ve certainly been exposed to all kinds of wacky handmade items in our daily lives – bad clothing, weird art, awkward crafts, etc. But how many of us have encountered truly hand-made shoes?

I would love to be a shoe designer. I think about it all the time, but it’s not the kind of thing you can dabble in. Even more than clothing design, shoe design requires a good working understanding of the body part it’s meant to cover. We’re not talking about scarves, here. People wearing the items actually need to be able to, you know, walk. Etsy sellers don’t let that slow them down, however. And if you expand the search to include slippers, things get even weirder.

As usual, links to the items for sale appear below each picture. For more Etsy fun, check out all my weekly Etsomnia™ posts. Follow me on Bloglovin!

Elaborate and unwieldy as these look, I’d be willing to give them a try. By Fashion4Freedom who makes some really innovative, beautiful carved shoes-as-art

These things ought to come with a car and driver, because you’re certainly not walking anywhere in them. By ApexFX

This comes with a matching bag to keep your toes in after you've removed them. By AnnikasAtelier

This pair comes with a matching bag to keep your toes in after you’ve had them removed to enable you to get into the shoes.

“Would you like some tea?”
“Definitely not.”
(Don’t miss the weird poltergeist-type stack of random kitchen items in the bowl in the background)

And the winner of the ugliest shoe on Etsy goes to... ClampClamp

And the winner of the coveted Ugliest Shoe on Etsy title goes to… ClampClamp

Boots with working candelabras. What could go wrong?

These instruments of lumpy uncomfortableness looks like they were made by third graders in camp.

Absolutely gorgeous! With the right slim-fit suit, these would stop traffic! TheGothicShoeCo

With the right slim-fit suit, these stunning shoes would stop traffic! Plus, you could probably trip people walking by without even having to stick out your foot. By TheGothicShoeCo

Very menacing-looking shark shoes. By DotsOfPaint

Very menacing-looking, not at all derpy Shark Week shoes. (Beloved pointed out they would be better with googly eyes)

And while we're on the subject of derpy, here are some very masculine felted slippers FOR MEN. By FaithFeltArt

And while we’re exploring the derp category, here are some very masculine men’s felted slippers FOR GROWN MEN.

Walking in these things should be an Olympic event. By SpikesByG, who is making me think that Boise, Idaho, is a bit different than I pictured

You know what makes you feel extra cool and comfortable in the summer? Damp wool wrapped around your ankles, that's what. By LITTAUdesign

You know what makes you feel extra cool and comfortable in the summer? If I knew, I’d be wearing it, but it’s certainly not damp wool wrapped around your ankles.

Not intended to be clown shoes. By WooliCity

Not intended to be clown shoes, if you can imagine.

While I wouldn't wear them, at least they are cute in a tortured sort of way. By PastelDreamShoes

While I wouldn’t wear them, at least they are cheerful in a Harajuku sort of way.

You know how annoying it is when you buy beautiful pumps for your outdoor wedding, then you ruin them walking on the grass? Problem solved! By BoutiqueBrand

You know how annoying it is when you buy beautiful pumps for your outdoor wedding, only to ruin them sinking into the soft ground? Problem solved! Sure, you’d still sink, but these aren’t beautiful!