Story time: My daughter once loaded up her diaper so enthusiastically, poop shot up her back and bounced off her head. Mercifully, the cleanup is a blur (at one point we were both in the bathtub crying), but I’m sure I didn’t stop to shape the stuff into bunny ears.
Et·som·ni·a (/etˈsämnēə/), noun, 1. a sleep disorder caused by obsessive Etsy browsing. 2. the surprising arrival of weird handmade merchandise ordered when one is only half conscious. (True story.)
DISCLAIMER: Though I do enjoy a good joke, and Etsomnia™ is one of my favorite things, my intention is never to discourage artists or makers of any kind. All wisecracks and criticism are meant for humorous effect only. Please take them as seriously as they are meant, which is not at all.
As I mentioned last week, I currently have three baby presents to buy in a fairly short period of time. Guess what? You’re coming shopping with me. Like most of the categories I explore, baby stuff runs the gamut from glorious to grim, from adorable to abhorrent, and from wondrous to wonder-what-they-were-thinking. In this category, however, the awful seemed a little extra awful. And as usual, cost is no indicator of taste.
As usual, links to the items for sale appear below each picture. For more Etsy fun, check out all my weekly Etsomnia™ posts.
MemesCustomStitches gets a special shout out for making me two of these on very short notice. Thanks, Tammy!
Do you have political aspirations for your baby? Are you raising him to be a dictator? Does March 15 make you inexplicably anxious? KinseyGraceCo has just the headband for you!
Custom-made nursery lamp featuring your choice of choking hazards!
If you get your baby used to itchy, Etsy-ugly clothing early, then they’ll never be disappointed by life.
Okay, sure, the pompoms are going to be eaten in two seconds flat, but how beautiful is this pull toy? By gumcrackkids
The perfect addition to any nursery, “Woman Smothering Owl.” (Not the real title, but can you blame me?)
Well, this certainly paints a picture, doesn’t it?
Are you worried no one will know your baby is a girl? Have no fear! Strapping this to her head will communicate to all passers by that she’s the female child of someone with terrible taste.
What knit-wit made this thing? (Yes, I know it’s crocheted. Shut up.)
You know how babies love to pull and chew on your jewelry? Well, this is a silicone teething necklace that’s both freezer and dishwasher safe. What a great idea! By Sweetpeasugarshop
“Reupholstered” car seat which is reminding me of something…
I am not joking when I say my mother dressed my baby bro exactly like this. How he didn’t grow up to be Niles Crane is a total mystery. By FirstBlessings
Mean girl starter kit.
Think your baby is fully dressed? Well, did you remember to stick stupid shit to her feet?
Pink and camo crib-sized quilt. (Shudder.)
Whew! That’s better! Busy mat by MiniMoms
I assume the $1,020 price tag includes a fairy godmother who can get baby spew out of silk.
This is one of my all-time favorite gifts for baby girls. Alas, this year’s crop is all boys, so it’s back to the drawing board for me! By NelsonsGifts
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My OBT 
May 12, 2016 at 11:28 am
There is no way the maker of that teething toy does not know that that is a wooden phallus and a pink silicon vagina. Just no way. There are a whole lot of gift possibilities here for parents you dislike intensely. I do like those quotation plaques near the end and the silicon teething necklace. My husband is a total nerd obsessive over anything to do with ancient Rome so he would have bought that laurel wreath headband for our sons if he ever ventured onto Etsy.
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May 12, 2016 at 11:45 am
The phallus thing is just ridiculous. Who would buy such a thing? And I’m so in love with the teething necklaces, I got one for everyone.
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May 12, 2016 at 12:25 pm
The necklaces really are a great idea. I pretty much stopped wearing any dangling jewellery for the entire time I was rearing babies.
Confession: I made the mistake of accidentally teaching my kids about phallic symbols / the patriarchy about a year ago and now they delight in telling me whenever they spot one. Therefore, even my 6 year old could tell you that teething thing is a phallus. So wrong.
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May 12, 2016 at 12:36 pm
I think that’s hilarious and brilliant. As long as they don’t tell anyone other than you when they spot one, that is.
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May 12, 2016 at 2:26 pm
One of my friends used to make and sell teething necklaces. They are awesome, so good gift choice IMO. And my kid was totally dressed like your bro in that sailor outfit.
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May 12, 2016 at 2:30 pm
Did he turn out to be Niles Crane?
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May 13, 2016 at 6:54 pm
Don’t mind the crocheted duck so much, but dear god that car seat cover is driving me to drink!
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May 13, 2016 at 8:58 pm
Isn’t that horrific?
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