I’d ask for my money back. That doesn’t look anything like her.
Et·som·ni·a (/etˈsämnēə/), noun, 1. a sleep disorder caused by obsessive Etsy browsing. 2. The surprising arrival of weird handmade merchandise ordered when one is only half conscious. (True story.) 3. An excuse for me to be an obnoxious, snarky New Yorker once per week.
There are a lot of talented portrait artists on Etsy. With a few noted exceptions, however, these are not them. As usual, I’m hardest on the felters (because it’s so much funnier when a bad portrait is in 3 dimensions). Today’s search turned up as many adorable, funny, unexpected portraits as it did tragic, hilarious, inept ones.
For more Etsy fun, check out all my weekly Etsomnia™ posts!
Your infant as a Buddy Hackett doll.
After many hours of staring and fruitless internet searches, my Facebook friends helped me figure out who he reminds me of. Wonderful portrait by BarleyandBayley
The favorite portrait artist of overweight dogs and flattened ponies alike!
This portrait is done with Legos! I really want to see one up close. So cool! By OnceUponABrick
Best looking clay family portrait ever! By NicomadeMe
I like how the maker really captured the look of total hopelessness in the dog’s eyes…
Of all of the different forms that Etsy portraits take, this is far and away my favorite. By ThePinataBuilder
Impressive, but I guarantee any child growing up with this image of himself is going to be an entitled asshole.
On the other hand, I can’t imagine the subject of this tribute to poor taste to be anything but a perfect gentleman.
This is like one of those apps that shows how you will look in 30 years, only much, much more expensive.
Phenomenal Norman Rockwell-style oil portrait by DannerArt, who offers all kinds of retro styles!
More celebrity look-alike portraiture…
This is one of the more fragile options, but that’s okay. It doesn’t look like the marriage is going to last long, anyway.
I know this is a great portrait, but it still reminded me of a certain movie scene… By GourmetFelted
I love the photo this was done from, but the portrait far out-cools the picture! By MentyraPortraits
As a portrait, it’s pretty good, but as a fashion accessory, it’s a total shit show.
Your portrait in carbonite.
Is it just me, or are the eyes following you, too?
Portrait skill level: Wizard. By keceinadi
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My OBT 
July 20, 2017 at 9:00 am
It seems like felt is either horribly tragic or absolutely amazing – the last one and the puppet guy in the link are fantastic! And that painting of the girl, just wow.
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July 20, 2017 at 10:49 am
There are so many talented people on Etsy!
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July 20, 2017 at 11:15 am
Those dog slippers…😳
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July 20, 2017 at 7:24 pm
I wonder if they go “derp, derp, derp” when you walk…
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July 20, 2017 at 11:46 am
Some of these are just down right creepy! (Dog head in box & cat head on the hand are both a whole lot of NOPE!) Others, though, are quite good (having captured the likeness well, such as the last, felt-guy in red shirt, the girl with the fox, and the “gentleman” dog. Some are cute and novel (the Lego and clay-family portraits) while most of the rest are just weird and novel. I guess the good thing about poorly skilled products is they help us more easily identify what’s good!
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July 20, 2017 at 7:27 pm
That guy in the red shirt is scary good. I’m assuming his soul moved into the doll when it was done. At least Etsy’s always entertaining!
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July 20, 2017 at 3:02 pm
I suck arse at portraiture. I can draw and paint faces but not ones that accurately capture anyone’s likeness. Therefore, I shouldn’t really judge these items. But I’m going to. Sean Spicer baby made me laugh and judder in equal measure. While not my taste, some of these are actually really skillful. Had I the funds, I’d love a Norman Rockwell style painting of my brood. My favourite item in this selection, however, is Wilfred the dog’s portrait.
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July 20, 2017 at 7:30 pm
I was thinking the Norman Rockwell would suit you and your tribe, too! And I love Wilfred (Lucky? Why? Why would you name something with that much character Lucky?) desperately, too. Oh, but there are so many people after whom I’d like a piñata modeled, if only for the joy of hitting them with a stick.
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July 20, 2017 at 8:13 pm
The piñata is a genius idea. I’d imagine it’s quite cathartic to batter the stuffing out of some effigies.
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July 20, 2017 at 8:48 pm
Some more than others…
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July 20, 2017 at 9:00 pm
Some I’d utterly pulp.
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July 20, 2017 at 9:45 pm
(spits wine)
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July 20, 2017 at 6:33 pm
The Lego one reminds me of some pixelated art my friend Tim was experimenting with a while back. As for the rest: when they’re good, they’re very,very good and when they’re bad, they’re awful!
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July 20, 2017 at 7:30 pm
Yes! That should be Etsy’s motto. Looking forward to seeing you next week!
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August 18, 2017 at 9:38 pm
Yeah, the Rockwell knock off is brilliant.
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August 18, 2017 at 9:54 pm
So good!
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