Etsom·ni·a (/etˈsämnēə/), noun, 1. a sleep disorder caused by obsessive Etsy browsing. 2. The surprising arrival of weird handmade merchandise ordered when one is only half conscious. (True story.) 3. An excuse for me to be an obnoxious, snarky New Yorker once per week.

I don’t always know where Etsy’s recommendations come from, but sometimes, they’re pretty far out there. I usually enjoy what their algorithm delivers, even though it seems to have decided that I’m some kind of cross between a drag queen, a 12-year-old boy, and a pensioner. In truth, at times, I’m all of those things. However, apropos of nothing, recently my recommendations have included some bizarre and epic-sized accessories I just had to share. Now that I’ve clicked on all this ridiculousness, my recommendations are going to be even more idiotic…

For more Etsy fun, check out all my weekly Etsomnia™ posts!