Etsom·ni·a (/etˈsämnēə/), noun, 1. a sleep disorder caused by obsessive Etsy browsing. 2. The surprising arrival of weird handmade merchandise ordered when one is only half conscious. (True story.) 3. An excuse for me to be an obnoxious, snarky New Yorker once in a while.

This may come as a surprise, but when you search Etsy for the terms cat and Christmas, all sorts of crap turns up. Mostly wearables like tshirts and sweatshirts, but there’s plenty of other awful junk as well. Let me be clear: I love cats. LOVE them. However, I loathe cat-themed junk. And since basically every other item I found involved a pun, I’ve also included a pile of terrible dad-style cat jokes. Let the groaning begin!

For more Etsy fun, check out all my Etsomnia™ posts!

What’s worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxis.

What did the cat say to her friend before a fight? “Hold my purrse.”

What’s a cat’s favorite subject in school? Hisss-tory!

Why don’t you want to play poker with a cat? They tend to be cheetahs.

What’s a cat’s favorite TV show? Claw and Order.

What’s a cat’s favorite dessert? Chocolate mouse!

What do you call a cat who lives in an igloo? An eskimew!

What do cats eat for breakfast? Mice Krispies!

What’s a cat’s favorite sport? Hairball.

Why are cats better than babies? Because you only have to change a litter box once a day.

Why do cats make horrible DJs? They always paws the tunes.

Why shouldn’t you tell a cat lover your secrets? They’re always letting the cat out of the bag.

What’s smarter than a talking cat? A spelling bee!

Why do cats prefer wizards to witches? Sorcerers sometimes have milk in them.

Someone made a joke about my three-legged cat. Huge faux paw.