Price: $18,000
Reason: Because I want my grandkids to love me most
10/19/17: Today is my birthday, and I have reached the stage where I can honestly say that I don’t need anything! I know how blessed I am, believe me.
However… (it’s me, so you knew there was a but coming, right?), if I had unlimited space, money were not an issue, and all the world’s ills were sorted out, here are the stupid, gratuitously expensive things I’d buy. Go ahead and judge me. I am fully aware of how ridiculous and impractical this list is.
No Etsomnia™ this week. Instead of making Etsy sellers wail and rend their (hideous) garments, I’m sharing with you my if-I-come-back-as-a-spoiled-brat list. Let the festival of obscene (fictional) consumption begin!
Price: $75,000+
Reason: Because I can’t possibly cram Elie Saab, Armani Privé, and Georges Hobeika in the closet next to my extensive collection of Old Navy clearance items
Price: $2,000
Reason: Because winning!
Price: $5,500
Reason: I already told you. Judith Lieber Skull Purse. Duh.
Price: $3,500
Reason: Who doesn’t need a giant iPhone filled with jellyfish?
Price: $20,000
Reason: Because…
Price: $10,000
Reason: Because this. Note: Since these things are understandably destructive to natural ecosystems, I’ll also need a man-made lagoon on which to play…
Price: $55,000
Reason: Because shoes
Price: $2,199
Reason: Think of the parties!
Price: $20,000
Reason: You’d look like a giant!. Okay, it’s a 1:5 scale replica, but it still does 38 MPH! Who needs working knees anyway?
Price: $32,000
Reason: Where better to smoke your luxury hookah?
Price: $20,000
Reason: If you’re going to be a rich crazy cat lady, you may as well get the best cats!
Price: $45,000
Reason: Because when you spend your time day drinking by the pool, repositioning your chair is just too much work….
2026 edit: apparently this product was too stupid to succeed. Back to moving my own chair…
Price: $918
Reason: If I can’t be bothered to stand up and move my own chair, you don’t seriously expect me to iron, do you?
Price: $10,000 and up
Reason: Don’t you want one, too?
Price: $95,000
Reason: I think it would be slimming
Price: $60,000 (Which doesn’t seem that outrageous considering it’s bigger than my apartment)
Reason: Do you really need to ask?
Now it’s your turn. What kind of lazy-ass, frivolous, one-percenter bullshit would you buy?
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