Etsomnia™ Volume 90: (Un)Wearable Art

May 19, 2016 by Donna from MyOBT 34 Comments

Elephant wearable art vest by a maker who I can only assume is in third grade

Et·som·ni·a (/etˈsämnēə/), noun, 1. a sleep disorder caused by obsessive Etsy browsing. 2. the surprising arrival of weird handmade merchandise ordered when one is only half conscious. (True story.)

DISCLAIMER: Though I do enjoy a good joke, and Etsomnia™ is one of my favorite things, my intention is never to discourage artists or makers of any kind. All wisecracks and criticism are meant for humorous effect only. Please take them as seriously as they are meant, which is not at all.

No matter what it is that I’m searching for on Etsy, whether for an edition of Etsomnia or because I’m actually shopping, the term “art to wear” pops up incessantly, but with wildly-different interpretations. The one nearly universal constant is that the term seems to be another way of saying do not wear. The cost for these unwearables run from a few dollars to the cost of a new Volkswagen. Some of it is very complicated, some is super simple, but while I can appreciate that it may be art, I’m still not going to be caught dead wearing most of it.

As usual, links to the items for sale appear below each picture. For more Etsy fun, check out all my Thursday Etsomnia™ posts.

I would hate for you to expect that the rest of the Etsy merch I’m reviewing today is anywhere near this glorious. It’s definitely not. By Klaradar

Why is "gypsy" so often code for "homeless?" By Irinacarmen

Why is “gypsy” so often Etsy code for “mentally unbalanced?”

This statement necklace includes human teeth which were presumably left there when the model tried to chew her way out.

A bit early for Halloween, isn’t it? By CherryBlossomsDress, who, to be fair, make many very desirable garments. This just isn’t one of them.

“Eccentric Fairy” coat which is not meant for hunting, if you can believe it.

Custom-beaded pointe shoes? Swoon! By ExquisitelyPointe

Custom ombre-beaded pointe shoes? Swoon! By ExquisitelyPointe

This is the first time I’ve ever wished for termites.

By a seller who had almost too many options from which to choose

On the one hand, I approve of ripping the heads off clown dolls. On the other hand, this.

I know you’re expecting me to make fun, but the maker’s story behind the boots is really cool and worth a read. By SafariDesignsNewYork. See? I’m not a total asshole. Maybe.

I would have included the picture of the full hat, but then you would have missed the stink eye the upside-down bird is giving the camera. By IncogneetoVintage

I would have included the picture of the full hat, but then you would have missed the stink eye the upside-down taxidermied bird is giving the camera.

Wearable art, now with more possum!

As interesting as this latex dress is, I’d be too afraid I’d have a hot flash and burst into flames. By Krisztalatex

These are aptly named "Blobbys," and there's really a lot of them. By BlueFrogLake

These are aptly named “Blobbies,” and the store has really a lot of them.

I would like to fire criticisms at her, but she’s clearly unarmed.

This is a $3600 brain blanket. In case you were wondering. Which I assume you were not. By (guess who) BrainBlankets

This is a $3600 brain blanket. That may seem like a lot of money, but it’s magic. It makes people disappear! By (you guessed it) BrainBlankets

There were so many items in this store, I really struggled choosing just one. By ArianeMariane

There were so many, um, remarkable? items in this store, I really struggled choosing just one.

Snooki!

This was actually commissioned by Lady Gaga’s stylist. Cute! By HallyMcGehean who has also done commissioned work for The Whitney and other museums

These would come in really handy (see what I did there?) on blind dates. If you like the guy, take them off and make a joke about them. If he's a dud, keep them on, and he'll run away! By ShopRisasPieces

These would come in really handy (ha ha) on blind dates. If you like the guy, take them off and make a joke about them. If he’s a dud, leave them on, and watch him run away!