On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me… WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?
Et·som·ni·a (/etˈsämnēə/), noun, 1. a sleep disorder caused by obsessive Etsy browsing. 2. The surprising arrival of weird handmade merchandise ordered when one is only half conscious. (True story.) 3. An excuse for me to be an obnoxious, snarky New Yorker once per week.
It’s December, and people are festooning their houses and their Facebook walls with Christmas crap. By the end of Thanksgiving, I start thinking I’m getting used to this festival of largely-bad-taste (I don’t care how common it is. Red and green do NOT go together), but then I will spot something horrible, and I’m traumatized all over again.
I love Christmas trees, and I’m especially fond of a good tree topper. It can make or break the whole effect. But I’ve been routinely appalled by the crazy stuff people will shove onto the top of their trees.
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I’m not sure topping the tree with Santa’s wang is the best way to celebrate the season…
“Tree” tree topper, brought to you by this place.
Simple, classic, and perfect! By SunCatcherCreations.
Elf on the Shelf is for wimps. Why not get a Krampus tree topper and kick your kids’ terror up a few notches?
This is a “joy angel,” but I’m not exactly getting joy.
Totally normal Christmas chicken.
This paper cup David Bowie is really bumming me out. Stupid 2016 took so many talented people, and left us with… this.
The perfect tree topper if you live here.
This “angel” tree topper looked familiar, but I couldn’t quite place it. Then it hit me.
This is really lovely and reminds me of my Nana’s tree! (And I love the photobomb in the bottom left!) Sold by AVintageWanderer
I guess if this is your tree topper, the ornaments should look like this.
At least their inspiration is clear.
If you had told me I’d be crushing on a viking tree topper, I’d have called you crazy, but how adorable is this guy? By Dessertfirstdesigns
Trying to keep the pets away from the tree? This should definitely do the trick!
What’s scarier than the giant eye? Say it with me… Clowns!
Looks like somebody wasn’t expecting that branch!
This Santa Claus looks like he delivers toys in a broken shopping cart full of old toasters.
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My OBT 
December 15, 2016 at 5:04 pm
Christmas really is the time when tatty trinkets emerge from their mouldy bunkers to get showcased in people’s homes but flipping heck there are items in your selection that are truly hideous. In any other contest, the festive phalluses (new boy band name?) or giant eye would be the winner but you included the electrified dismembered baby so it takes the gold.
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December 15, 2016 at 6:44 pm
It’s true. The electrified dismembered baby wins again. Your rant, by the way, was particularly toothsome today. Well done, you!
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December 15, 2016 at 7:19 pm
Ha ha! I’ve had a bit of a stress filled day. Apparently hideous festive items were just what I needed to provoke a therapeutic vent.
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December 15, 2016 at 7:55 pm
Glad to be of service!
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December 15, 2016 at 6:07 pm
Reblogged this on saywhatumean2say and commented:
Well I’m not going to “like” this post for many reasons….one; I do think red and green go together….see my house in my post and two, I agree with you “tatty” hardly comes close to describing most of the tree toppers. However, I kinda like the one that sez “Tree” and the Hen topper….both would require theme trees but they made me giggle. The hand blown glass Santa blew me away but in a REALLY good way, not like most of your whole post did. REALLY WHAT ARE THEY THINKING?
But I’m not going to “like” it; reprise of #1. Just may have to reblog this though cuz it is just so….well SO…… THANX for another enjoyable and laughable post OBT! ~~dru~~
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December 15, 2016 at 7:43 pm
Why do I kind of like the chicken?
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December 15, 2016 at 8:00 pm
As chickens go, it’s a very likeable specimen. Plus she may have laid the ornaments. In fact, one could even imagine her giving a mighty squawk and producing the tree. Truly a most excellent chicken.
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January 5, 2017 at 11:08 pm
I clicked on all the clicks! LOL! LOL! LOL! You have outdone yourself I think.
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January 5, 2017 at 11:10 pm
(curtsy) I thank you.
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January 5, 2017 at 11:19 pm
PLUS, reminds me of this Cole Porter song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N3pEWQMsaqg
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January 6, 2017 at 1:43 am
I loved (and completely forgot) that song!
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January 8, 2017 at 1:05 pm
Totally the wrong song!! I’m so embarrassed that I have to make the correction: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X0oKUpIqwek
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