Because who doesn’t want a sweater with foreskin?
Et·som·ni·a (/etˈsämnēə/), noun, 1. a sleep disorder caused by obsessive Etsy browsing. 2. The surprising arrival of weird handmade merchandise ordered when one is only half conscious. (True story.) 3. An excuse for me to be an obnoxious, snarky New Yorker once per week.
As much as I love summer – and that’s a lot – I do confess that the beginning of sweater weather gets me a little excited. No more thin fabrics, clinging to my every flaw. No more sweat stain anxiety or bathing suit panic. Now, I can crawl into a cardi and go back to pretending my body isn’t turning to pudding! But though I love sweaters, today’s “celebration” of Etsy’s sweaters and cold-weather accessories is so rough, I may have to move to warmer climes.
For more Etsy fun, check out all my weekly Etsomnia™ posts!
Did she make those clothes, or did they just grow out of her dreads?
Q: What do you do when your building’s garbage is full and it’s not pickup day?
A: Garbage hat.
I bought myself a sweater like this beauty last weekend. Can’t wait to wear it! By FrockYourWorld
Seller Tip: Quacker Factory sweater not selling? Try photographing it on your pot dealer and throw in a distracting background. SOLD!
While technically crocheted, this thing has nonetheless earned its place here among the knit wits.
On the plus side, I’m sure it repels vampires and perverts. On the other hand, it’s guaranteed to repel everyone else, too.
I love semi-sheer sweaters. They’re the perfect weight for my office! By MarilenStore
I’ve said it before. A key element of knitting is knowing when to stop. This seller needs to work on that.
“Romantic.” Judder.
From the upcoming movie, “Brokefront Mountain”
Kids, this is why you don’t travel deserted country roads alone. You never know what kind of shitshow you’ll encounter.
I adore this shape, and I’m in love with the sheer line near the top. By the always wonderful Marcellamoda
Perfect for that special binge-drinking night out. You can throw up on it, and not make it any worse!
I’m guessing her inspiration came straight out of a petri dish.
Most of what I wear is monochrome, but I am happy to make an exception for really spectacular patterns. This is one of those! By Molda
Sweater coats, now with more kale
Apparently, I’m not the only one excited to stop shaving above the ankle!
That’s one way to get the subway pole to yourself.
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My OBT 
October 5, 2017 at 7:48 am
I like the sweater by Marcellamoda — and a few others — but to the rest I say, “Step away from the knitting needles.”
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October 5, 2017 at 8:55 am
Far, far away.
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October 5, 2017 at 7:57 am
Love your comments!
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October 5, 2017 at 8:56 am
Thank you! I try to be positive the rest of the week, but I really enjoy indulging in my less better self on Thursdays. It’s like a pressure valve.
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October 5, 2017 at 12:57 pm
The sasquatch legs are hilariously awful. I like the two sheer knit tops – the red and black one and the black one with the neck detail – and would wear those. I really like the rainbow double breasted piece too but I don’t think I could wear it. The crocheted dress gave me flashbacks to the ’70s and riding on a bus with my aunt who was wearing a crocheted smock top and trousers she had made herself. I remember feeling embarrassed to be associated with her. I was a very harsh 3 year old.
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October 5, 2017 at 2:58 pm
I love that even at 3, you had a sense of embarrassment. You were an early bloomer!
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October 5, 2017 at 1:25 pm
Oh my–you found some real winners! And your comments make me laugh out loud–especially the ones about knowing when to stop knitting and the binge drinking sweater. But the gorgeous ones are oh so nice–the Marcellamoda is beautiful!
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October 5, 2017 at 2:59 pm
Marcellamoda is one of my all-time favorite Etsy designers! I’m very glad I made you laugh.
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October 5, 2017 at 5:59 pm
Well, first I made a less than feminine exclamation on seeing that pink monstrosity. Then the striped tube made its appearance. But you truly saved the most horrific for last! If I have nightmares, I’m calling you in the middle of the night!
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October 5, 2017 at 6:48 pm
That seems fair.
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October 9, 2017 at 6:36 pm
Laughing out loud. (I am surrounded by yarn and my trusted crochet hook.) But these are ATROCITY on steroids.
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October 9, 2017 at 7:34 pm
Indeed they are! Glad they made you laugh.
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