Item: Kraken Pirate Bed
Price: $14,000
Reason: Because I want my grandkids to love me most

Item: Super-duper luxury dressing room
Price: $75,000+
Reason: Because I can’t possibly cram Elie Saab, Carolina Herrera, and Gucci in the closet next to my extensive collection of Old Navy clearance items

Item: Bel & Bel Italian Scooter Chair
Price: $2,000
Reason: Because winning!

Item: Judith Lieber Skull Purse
Price: $5,500
Reason: I already told you. Judith Lieber Skull Purse. Duh.

Item: Trampoline/Bungee Thing
Price: Unknown
Reason: Because it looks like the most fun EVER

Item: Cubic Jellyfish Aquarium
Price: $3,500
Reason: Who doesn’t need a giant iPhone filled with jellyfish?

Item: Victorian Diamond Tiara
Price: $20,000
Reason: Because…

Item: Water Fly Board/Jet Pack
Price: $10,000
Reason: Because this. Note: Since these things are understandably destructive to natural ecosystems, I’ll also need a man-made lagoon on which to play…

Item: 1930’s Louis Vuitton 30-Pair Shoe Steamer Trunk
Price: $55,000
Reason: Because shoes

Item: Inflatable Irish Pub
Price: $3,000
Reason: Think of the parties!

Item: Jaguar XK120 Mini Roadster
Price: $20,000
Reason: You’d look like a giant!. Also, $20K for a Jaguar roadster seems like a pretty good deal

Item: Antique Asian Wedding Bed
Price: $8,000
Reason: Where better to smoke your luxury hookah?

Item: Savannah Cat
Price: $20,000
Reason: If you’re going to be a rich crazy cat lady, you may as well get the best cats!

Item: Rotating Sun Lounger With Integrated Water Spritzer
Price: $45,000
Reason: Because when you spend your time day drinking by the pool, repositioning your chair is just too much work….

Item: Effie the Ironing Machine
Price: $918
Reason: If I can’t be bothered to stand up and move my own chair, you don’t seriously expect me to iron, do you?

Item: Vintage Penny Arcade Fortune Teller Machine
Price: $10,000 and up
Reason: Don’t you want one, too?

Item: Hippo Sofa (Important note: not made from hippos)
Price: $95,000
Reason: I think it would be slimming

Item: Two-Tier Hot Tub With Bar and Flat-Screen TV
Price: $60,000 (Which doesn’t seem that outrageous considering it’s bigger than my apartment)
Reason: Do you really need to ask?