I went looking for the ugliest vintage lamp on Etsy, and when I saw this thing, I knew my search was over. $85 “Rustic” fish lamp.
Et·som·ni·a (/etˈsämnēə/), noun, 1. a sleep disorder caused by obsessive Etsy browsing. 2. the surprising arrival of weird handmade merchandise ordered when one is only half conscious. (True story.)
Vin·tage /ˈvin-tij/ noun. 1. a period in which something was made or was begun. 2. your old crap which you manage to sell to someone else. See also Garbage.
1/15/15: While I spend most of my Etsomnia column space on items found in Etsy’s handmade section, it has occurred to me that the vintage side deserves some of my affectionate snark as well. Sometimes, the past is best left in the past (or the dumpster from which it was undoubtedly taken).
As usual, links to the items for sale appear below each picture. For more Etsy fun, check out all my weekly Etsomnia™ posts.
You know what’s worse than Birkenstocks? Nothing! I’m joking. Used Birkenstocks are worse! You know they didn’t wear socks with those.
This abomination of a necktie is called “Bozo the Clown Father’s Day Gift.” Talk about daddy issues.
I feel about used handkerchiefs like I would about previously-owned cloth diapers. Bodily fluids equal an automatic no thank you. Not to imply it would be any more appealing if new. . .
Here’s something worth preserving! When I saw this 1960’s Pierre Cardin silk gown, I nearly swooned. Sold for a tidy sum by StatedStyle
A pen from a funeral home? Really? Who saves this crap? (Hastily shoving collection of non-working free pens in drawer.)
I was unable to narrow down the most hilarious vintage dress on Etsy, so I had to give you my four favorites. Since they are essentially the same dress, together, they would make a wonderfully terrible group of bridesmaids.
The figurine is bad, but the item name is worse: “Vintage Pig Figurine, victorian steampunk cottage chic home decor gypsy retro collectable country western farm rustic kitchen animal ranch.”
Look at all the fucks he does not give! From a shop that is chock-full of nightmare-inducing things.
If I had a place for this glorious Art Deco firescreen, I’d be all over it! Sold by SteeleAndCox
This abomination is listed as “A Superb Mid-Century Vintage” painting, and described as “sweet.” And good news! The serial killer who painted it even signed it! Yike.
You really have to wonder what kind of wackadoodle saves this stuff. Burned doll whose seller makes a point of saying the doll is not haunted. Because that’s not at all suspicious.
I could definitely make room in my jewelry box for this 21 carat diamond tiara! Sold by DoverJewelry
Okay, allow me just one more ugly dress . . .
Remind you of anyone?
No listing of vintage uglies on Etsy would be complete without at least one velvet painting, and this one’s a beaut.
I want to make fun. Really I do. It’s burnt orange naugahyde, for heaven’s sake. But it’s got such flair I can’t do it. I don’t want to live with it, but I admire its attitude. Sold by BlockHeadFurnishings
$225 “Cute slipper chair” that “needs a little attention.” Should have been listed as “Bedbug habitat.”
Last one. I promise. I couldn’t resist. This one is so ugly, I can even imagine what it smells like (dust and cream of mushroom soup).
Share:
My OBT 
February 25, 2024 at 9:44 am
These posts are great! I especially enjoyed the pictures of the dumpster diving treasures such as the burned doll that isn’t haunted. Believe it or not, there is an oddball museum here in Vermont that preserves and curates these random things.
The statue of the naked man who didn’t give a fuck reminded me of a time many years ago when I made that same pose, also completely naked. At the time, I decided to go streaking, and needless to say, I quickly ended up in the back seat of a police car, and received a free ride home.
Good times. 🙂
LikeLike
February 27, 2024 at 11:52 am
I love the phrase “free ride home.” Haven’t heard that in years. The museum sounds amazing. Putting it on my Vermont must-see list!
LikeLiked by 1 person
February 25, 2024 at 9:45 am
I kind of like the weird couch, but I already have an orange loveseat so my design skills are already suspect.
LikeLiked by 1 person
February 27, 2024 at 11:53 am
Hahahahaha. I don’t pretend that my taste is any good. It’s just mine. Don’t let me orange shame you.
LikeLike
February 25, 2024 at 10:54 am
Oh, gosh…I tried picking out the worst of these. They all made the bottom of the list. But could you imagine going to a ‘fall’ wedding and those dresses fitting right in with all the green/orange/yellow of the changing leaves? 🍁🍂🍃 I’m dyin’. 😆
LikeLiked by 1 person
February 27, 2024 at 11:55 am
I cannot with that color scheme. Makes me feel physically ill. Perhaps I was traumatized in Augumn as a child. Or maybe the seventies went at it so hard, it ruined the colors for me forever.
LikeLiked by 1 person
February 25, 2024 at 11:30 am
No words!
LikeLiked by 1 person
February 27, 2024 at 11:55 am
Success! (Or is that failure. Not sure)
LikeLike
February 27, 2024 at 11:57 am
???Sometimes I just don’t have much to add so I keep quite.
LikeLiked by 1 person
February 27, 2024 at 12:09 pm
You may say as much or as little as you like. I’m always glad to hear from you!
LikeLike
February 25, 2024 at 2:16 pm
Thanks for the laughs Donna. 😂
LikeLiked by 1 person
February 27, 2024 at 11:56 am
I used to love writing these! I really want to get back to doing Etsomnia, but I never seem to have the time.
LikeLiked by 1 person
March 30, 2024 at 10:01 pm
I think, you think, too much of your own opinion. I absolutely love vintage in any shape, form or fashion. But that takes passion to love things for style. I can imagine that your home and decor changes to follow trends as often as your opinions. I can see it…farmhouse meets shabby chic with your died blonde highlights. Could be off on the hair but that’s all.No originality, just a sheep following the herd! And there’s the issue of you being…the center of your own attention at the same time. But hey…. at least you “fit in” the flock right?
LikeLike
March 31, 2024 at 2:46 pm
Oh, goodie. A troll. How bizarre that you think it’s inappropriate for me to express my opinion on my own blog. Interesting that you think the only right opinion is to like all vintage, no matter how ugly or tacky. Just because it’s old, doesn’t mean it’s good. You couldn’t be more off about me. I like to make people laugh, and Etsomnia does that. My style, both personal and in my home, is eclectic, and my wardrobe and living space are both full of vintage pieces. I wouldn’t touch predictable with a ten-foot pole. I follow no trends and am part of no herd. I’m a black sheep from way back. Your unsolicited tirade has given me a pretty clear impression of your living space and personal style, and I am certain it wouldn’t be to my taste, either. Let’s just agree to disagree, shall we?
LikeLike