Bathing Bad
Et·som·ni·a (/etˈsämnēə/), noun, 1. a sleep disorder caused by obsessive Etsy browsing. 2. the surprising arrival of weird handmade merchandise ordered when one is only half conscious. (True story.)
Wedding season is finally over (temporarily), and we’ve got a few weekend beach days ahead! Accordingly, I thought it was a good time to check out Etsy’s beach-themed items. As usual, their offerings ran the gamut from the practical to the impractical, and from the exceptional to the dear-god-what-is-that? And while the felters and the upcyclers are usually competing for the most unusual items, this time it’s the crocheters who won the day!
For more Etsy fun, check out all my weekly Etsomnia™ posts.
Beach cover-ups have really taken a turn for the weird.
There are many beautiful offerings in the beach blanket category, but TheBeachStand leads the pack by a mile!
If you tried to wear this visor with the derpy hummingbird in Fire Island, you would be stoned to death.
You can safely leave these crocheted shoes by the boardwalk stairs, and no one will touch them. Ever.
I thought she was kind of scary looking. Then I looked behind her.
If you were worrying about what to carry on the beach, why not consider this felted bag depicting some kind of alien genitalia?
Yes, please! This shape is pretty much universally flattering. By MySugarDoll who has many adorable retro styles in her shop!
The object of the game is to get the crabs in the corn hole. Wait, that doesn’t sound right. By SouthRanchCreative
I clicked on this visor intending to make jokes, but I just can’t. She’s making me miss my grandma.
Etsy is full of cover-ups that really should be covered up.
Does it bum you out when sand just brushes off your beach toys? Problem solved!
My “sexy beach top” brings all the boys to the yard…
Now your dolls don’t have to feel left out of the ugly Etsy fun! Barbie-sized crocheted beach blanket, hat, and beach bag, sure to drive Ken far, far away.
There should be a law against pom poms.
Speaking of pom poms, I’m fairly sure gladiators didn’t wear them.
The perfect pool accessory: a beer float that the kids will love. What could go wrong?
I am all kinds of conflicted about this thing. It’s goofy and a bit ugly and entirely impractical, but there’s still something fabulous about it. For the right occasion, say a beach dance festival, it could be kind of fierce. What do you think?
Fluffy bathing caps give me the feels. They remind me of my mother’s bathing costume on family vacations in the sixties. By GabAboutVintage
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My OBT 
July 7, 2016 at 8:28 am
That net cover up is growing on me. I look at it an say “nah”, then it sneaks up on me and I’m thinking, “wait……” Now I find myself wanting one.
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July 7, 2016 at 9:26 am
See? It really is beautifully made, and that’s part of it. The damned thing has just got moxie!
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July 7, 2016 at 10:16 am
https://www.etsy.com/listing/198442446/handmade-crochet-vintage-inspired-70s
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July 7, 2016 at 11:05 am
The retro swimsuit and the peacock coloured blanket aside, what in the actual heck were people thinking? Didn’t we figure out a century or more ago that woolen garments plus the beach did not mix? Didn’t rates of leisure related drowning decrease substantially when people figured that out? Fishermen who traditionally wore wool ganseys also traditionally didn’t learn how to swim. I’m a sand phobic (unless it’s been melted into glass – then I love it) so anything that encourages sand to hide in further books and crannies is utterly insane.
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July 7, 2016 at 12:57 pm
I don’t mind sand, but I definitely don’t need it in my things, and you KNOW how much I hate all things itchy! You make a good point about drowning. Never made that connection before.
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July 7, 2016 at 11:07 am
And that “conch” bag is one of the most hideously barf-tastic things I’ve seen in some time. And that’s despite Trump’s face being everywhere.
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July 7, 2016 at 12:57 pm
I was really proud of that particular find. Your description is hilariously perfect, as usual!
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July 7, 2016 at 12:12 pm
When pom poms are outlawed, only outlaws will have pom pom.
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July 7, 2016 at 12:58 pm
(spit water at screen)
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July 10, 2016 at 6:51 pm
Water????
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July 10, 2016 at 7:06 pm
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July 7, 2016 at 3:12 pm
That retro swimsuit is absolutely adorable!
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July 7, 2016 at 3:36 pm
Isn’t it? I love those things!
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July 10, 2016 at 7:42 pm
Ditch the tassels on the net top and you have a winner!
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July 10, 2016 at 8:26 pm
It really is fascinating.
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